As the contents of the bottle decreased and his head grew hotter and
hotter, even this boresome sense of the present gradually faded. His
mumblings, to which at first there had been a bit of form, now lost
all meaning. His pupils dilated in the attempt to pierce the engulfing
darkness. Finally, the darkness itself vanished and its place was taken
by a phosphorescent sheen.
It was an endless void, with not a color or a sound, but radiant with
sinister splendor. The void followed him in his wanderings, trod on
his heels at every step. There were no walls, no windows, nothing
but this endless vacant splendor. Dread fell on him, coupled with an
irresistible impulse to annihilate even the void. A few more efforts,
and his goal was reached. His stumbling legs carried a benumbed body,
his chest gave forth not a murmur but an inarticulate cry, his very
existence seemingly ceased. A strange stupor took possession of him, in
which conscious life had no part, which plumbed the depths of a life
independent of and beyond the boundaries of normal existence. Groans
burst from his chest without in the least disturbing his sleep. His
organic disease continued its destructive work, without apparently
causing him any physical pain.
He rose early in the morning, filled with agonizing longing, disgust
and hatred. It was an inarticulate hatred, without either cause
or definite object. His bloodshot eyes rolled restlessly, his
limbs trembled, his heart worked with sickening irregularity, now
stopping altogether, now hammering with such violence that his hand
involuntarily clutched at his breast. Not a thought, not a desire!
Objects of immediate perception filled his mind so completely that it
was closed to other impressions.
He filled his pipe and lighted it. It dropped from his nerveless
fingers. His tongue mumbled something, but seemingly by force of habit
only. He sat in silence and stared at one point. He felt an intense
craving to raise the temperature of his body so that he would feel
the presence of life for at least a short while. But he had no way of
getting vodka in the daytime. He had to wait for night to attain those
blissful moments when the ground vanished from under his feet and the
four odious prison walls were replaced by a shoreless, shining void.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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