The Lord Chamberlain, once, on a day, Was requested to license a play; But he said, “If it’s clever, My answer is Never!” And told them to take it away. [Illustration] There was an old fellow of Parma, Who purchased a new suit of armour; When they said, “Does it fit?” He replied, “Not a bit-- Pray leave me until I am calmer!” [Illustration] There was a young lady whose bonnet Had many remarks passed upon it; But she answered them, “Rats!-- If you want to see hats Look at these of my brothers’--they’re chronic!” [Illustration] See here how the damsels of Spiers, Await the return of their Squires; At the long-looked-for hour They wave from the tower, And light all the drawing-room fires. [Illustration] There was a young man with a yacht, Who said, “Whether you love me or not, You can hardly refuse Just to come for a cruise”; But she fainted away on the spot. [Illustration] There was an old man of the rocks, Who never could find any socks; So he put on his shoes And his second-best blouse, And danced a quadrille with a fox. [Illustration] There was a young lady of Annan, Whose father-in-law was a Canon; But she gave up the Church For artistic research, And consorted with Ricketts and Shannon. [Illustration] There was a young man of Newport, Who was tried for a jester at Court; But he frankly confessed, After doing his best, It was more of a job than he thought. [Illustration] There was a young man of St. Gatien, Who strongly believed in cremation; And few could find fault With a family vault That contained every single relation. [Illustration] There was a young fellow of Horta, Who saw something strange in the water. Preparing to dive, He cried, “Bake me alive, If it isn’t the Coastguardsman’s daughter!” [Illustration] There was an old man of Peru, Who took both his boys to the Zoo; But when some silly goose Let the animals loose, He didn’t quite know what to do. [Illustration] There was an old man with a flute, A serpent ran into whose boot; He played day and night, But it didn’t take flight, So he finally went for the brute. [Illustration] There was a young fellow of Hawarden, Who was practising golf in the garden; But he said, “If this fly, Doesn’t instantly die, I’m sure I shall never beat Vardon.” [Illustration] There was a young student of John’s, Who always made friends with the dons; He would ask them to dine, Or to biscuits and wine, With a dish of most excellent scones. [Illustration] There was a young fellow of Sparta, Whose wife was a regular tartar; When his apathy shocked her She went for the doctor, And said, “He pretends he’s a martyr.” [Illustration]