A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY By Donald Ogden Stewart Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of AMERICAN HISTORICAL EVENTS Imagining them as they would be narrated by American's most characteristic contemporary authors To GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr. Preface Mr. H. G. Wells, in his "Outline of History," was of necessity forced to omit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of these United States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavored to supply. And as American history can possibly best be written by Americans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imagined an American history as written conjointly by a group of our most characteristic literary figures. Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, more particularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce; thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of these chapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S. Contents I INTRODUCTION: A Critical Survey of American History In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps II CRISTOFER COLOMBO: A Comedy of Discovery In the Manner of James Branch Cabell III MAIN STREET: Plymouth, Mass In the Manner of Sinclair Lewis IV THE COURTSHIP OF, MILES STANDISH In the Manner of F. Scott Fitzgerald V THE SPIRIT OF '75: Letters of a Minute Man In the Manner of Ring Lardner VI THE WHISKY REBELLION In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W. Burgess VII HOW LOVE CAME TO GENERAL GRANT In the Manner of Harold Bell Wright VIII CUSTER'S LAST STAND In the Manner of Edith Wharton IX FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE WORLD: A Drama of the Great War Act I--In the Manner of Mary Raymond Shipman Andrews Act 2--In the Manner of Eugene O'Neill CHAPTER ONE INTRODUCTION A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the opening performance of Maude Adams in "Peter Pan". Nothing in the world can describe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forget the moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked the audience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I was actually the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted "Yes--Yes!" To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantly followed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was sitting directly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me incredible. I pounded him on the back and shouted, "Great God, man, are you alive! Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah!" Finally he uttered a rather feeble "Hurrah!" Childe Roland to the dark tower came.