A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
"All ready, Helen--"
The "little lady" appears.
She is somewhat over six feet six in height and built like a
boilermaker. She is dressed in pink tights.
"Six Minutes of Beauty" begins when Helen picks up three large iron
cannon balls and juggles them. She tosses them in the air and catches
them cleverly on the back of her neck.
The six minutes are brought to a successful conclusion when Helen,
hanging head downward by one foot from a trapeze, balances lighted lamp
on the other foot and plays Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the slide
trombone.
The announcer then begins his lecture. Priscilla has by this time gotten
used to the overpowering roar of his voice and she discovers that once
this difficulty is overcome she is tremendously impressed by his words.
She becomes more and more attracted to the man. She listens, fascinated,
as his lecture draws to a close and he offers his medicine for sale. She
presses forward through the crowd of Indians surrounding the stand. She
reaches the tent. She gives her coin and receives in return a bottle.
She hides it in her cape and hurries home.
She slips in the back way; she pours some of the medicine into a glass;
she drinks it.
V
A terrible overwhelming nausea. Vomiting, which lasts for agonizing
minutes, leaving her helpless on the floor.
Then cessation.
Then light--blinding light.
VI
At 3:10 Priscilla drank the Mencken medicine; at 3:12 she was lying in
agony on the floor; at 3:20 she opened her eyes; at 3:21 she walked
out of her front door; and at 3:22 she discovered what was wrong with
Plymouth and the pilgrims.
Main Street. Straight and narrow. A Puritan thoroughfare in a Puritan
town.
The church. A centre of Puritan worship. The shrine of a narrow theology
which persistently repressed beauty and joy and life.
The Miles Standish house. The house of a Puritan. A squat, unlovely
symbol of repression. Beauty crushed by Morality.
Plymouth Rock. Hard, unyielding--like the Puritan moral code. A huge
tombstone on the grave of Pan.
She fled home. She flung herself, sobbing, on the bed. She cried,
"They're all Puritans that's what they are, Puritans!"
After a while she slept, her cheeks flushed, her heart beating
unnaturally.
VII
Late that night.
She opened her eyes; she heard men's voices; she felt her heart still
pounding within her at an alarming rate.
"And I told them then that it would come to no good end. Truly, the Lord
does not countenance such joking."
She recognized the voices of Miles Standish and Elder Brewster.
"Well--what happened then?" This from Kennicott.
"Well, you see, Henry Haydock got some of this Mencken's medicine from
one of the Indians. And he thought it would be a good joke to put it in
the broth at the church supper this evening."
"Yes?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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