A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
PRISCILLA: And a Queen keeps cats for her amusement. They purr so
delightfully when she pets them.
JOHN: I never learned to purr; it must be amusing--for the Queen.
PRISCILLA: Let me teach you. I'm starting a new class tonight.
JOHN: I'm afraid I couldn't afford to pay the tuition.
PRISCILLA: For a few exceptionally meritorious pupils, various
scholarships and fellowships have been provided.
JOHN: By whom? Old graduates?
PRISCILLA: NO--the institution has been endowed by God--
JOHN: With exceptional beauty--I'm afraid I'm going to kiss you. NOW.
(They kiss.)
(Ten minutes pass.)
PRISCILLA: Stop smiling in that inane way.
JOHN: I just happened to think of something awfully funny. You know the
reason why I came over here tonight?
PRISCILLA: To see me. I wondered why you hadn't come months ago.
JOHN: No. It's really awfully funny--but I came here tonight because
Miles Standish made me promise this morning to ask you to marry him.
Miles is an awfully good egg, really Priscilla.
PRISCILLA: Speak for yourself, John. (They kiss.)
PRISCILLA: Again.
JOHN: Again--and again. Oh Lord, I'm gone.
(An hour later JOHN leaves. As the door closes behind him PRISCILLA
sinks back into her chair before the fireplace; an hour passes, and
she does not move; her aunt returns from the Bradfords' and after a
few ineffectual attempts at conversation goes to bed alone; the candles
gutter, flicker, and die out; the room is filled of sacred silence. Once
more the clock chimes forth the hour--the hour of fluted peace, of dead
desire and epic love. Oh not for aye, Endymion, mayst thou unfold the
purple panoply of priceless years. She sleeps--PRISCILLA sleeps--and
down the palimpsest of age-old passion the lyres of night breathe forth
their poignant praise. She sleeps--eternal Helen--in the moonlight of
a thousand years; immortal symbol of immortal aeons, flower of the gods
transplanted on a foreign shore, infinitely rare, infinitely erotic.[1])
[1] For the further adventures of Priscilla, see F. Scott Fitzgerald's
stories in the "Girl With the Yellow Hair" series, notably "This Side
of Paradise," "The Offshore Pirate," "The Ice Palace," "Head and
Shoulders," "Bernice Bobs Her Hair," "Benediction" and "The Beautiful
and Damned."
CHAPTER FIVE
THE SPIRIT OF '75
LETTERS OF A MINUTE MAN
In the Manner of Ring Lardner
Friend Ethen--
Well Ethen you will be surprised O. K. to hear I & the wife took a
little trip down to Boston last wk. to a T. party & I guess you are
thinking we will be getting the swelt hed over being ast to a T. party.
In Boston.
Well Ethen if you think that why you will be a 100 mi. offen the track
because Ethen I and Prudence sent the kind that gets a swelt hed over
being ast any wares like some of are naybers up here when they are ast
any wares so you see Ethen even if we had been ast any wares we wouldnt
of had no swelt hed. On acct of being ast any wares.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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