cannot better describe my relations with Olivier than by comparing them
to a duel between a rider and his horse, when each tries to get the
better of the other. I repeat it, I am sure I did not love him. I am not
certain that I did not hate him."
She spoke with a dryness that showed how deeply these memories were
implanted. She paused a moment, and, plucking a rose from a bush near
her, she began to bite the petals nervously, while Madame Brion
sighed:--
"Need I pity you for that also,--for having sought happiness out of
marriage, and for having met this man, this hard and capricious monster
of egoism?"
"I do not judge of him," Madame de Carlsberg answered. "If I had been
different myself, I should doubtless have changed him. But he had
touched me in an irritable spot; I wished to control him, to master him,
and I used a terrible weapon. I made him jealous. All that is a bitter
story, and I spare you the details. It would be painful to recall it,
and it does not matter. You will know enough when I say that after a day
of intimacy, when he had been more tender than ever before, Olivier left
Rome suddenly, without an explanation, without a word of adieu, without
even writing a letter. I have never seen him again. I have never heard
of him, except in a chance conversation this winter, when I learned that
he was married. Now you will understand the strange emotions I felt when
two months ago Chésy asked permission to present a son of a friend of
his mother, who had come to Cannes to recover from a bad cold, a young
man, rather solitary and very charming; his name was Pierre
Hautefeuille. In the countless conversations that Olivier and I had
together in the intervals of our quarrelling, this name had often been
spoken. Here again I must explain to you a very peculiar thing,--the
nature of this man's conversation and the extraordinary attraction it
had for me. This self-absorbed and enigmatic being had sudden hours of
absolute expansion which I have seen in no one else. It was as though he
relived his life aloud for me, and I listened with an unparalleled
curiosity. He used at these times a kind of implacable lucidity which
almost made you cry out, like a surgical operation, and which at the
same time hypnotized you with a potent fascination. It was a brutal yet
delicate disrobing of his childhood and his youth, with
characterizations of such vividness that certain individuals were
presented to me as distinctly as though I had really met them. And he
himself? Ah, what a strange soul, incomplete and yet superior, so noble
and so degraded, so sensitive and so arid, in whom there seemed to be
nothing but lassitude, failure, stain, and disillusionment--excepting
one sentiment. This man who despised his family, who never spoke of his
country without bitterness, who attributed the worst motive to every
action, even his own, who denied the existence of God, of virtue, of
love, this moral nihilist, in short, in so many ways like the Archduke,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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