separation between them. To mislead the wife of a confiding,
unsuspicious friend was an act of dishonor from which his skeptical
reason recoiled. In this conflict month after month elapsed in
idleness. It was the year in which he was preparing for his
examination; he felt that he should fail if he did not conquer his
inertness and return to his studies. He had been too long accustomed to
receive all the favors of love to be able to endure a hopeless wish and
longing for any length of time. He must either possess Madame d'Anneaud
or avoid her. He had chosen the latter ere he knew how difficult it
would be to deny himself anything he ardently desired. He wished to do
right; but when he felt the bitterness of such self-denial his strength
to carry out the impulse failed, for he was already far too great an
egotist to make any sacrifice, and without sacrifice there is no
virtue.
Thus his first victory over himself was transformed into a defeat when
Madame d'Anneaud's implacable letter robbed him of the ground on which
he expected to enjoy with her the fruits of a shameful peace. Now, as
he fancied, he had lost all, committed a wrong both against his beloved
and himself, for which he must strive to atone with all the energy of
passion. He drove into the city to see Madame d'Anneaud, but she
refused to admit him. He wrote a despairing note and sent it to her by
a confidential waiting-maid, but it was returned with the seal
unbroken.
He spent three days in the most terrible excitement. The blood coursed
madly through his veins; his brain burned and whirled with plans to
regain the lost one and prevent her return to Paris. On the third
Monsieur d'Anneaud called to bid him farewell, complaining bitterly of
the caprices of his wife, who had suddenly dismissed her whole
household, would see no one, and wished to set off at once for Paris.
Everything around him grew dim as he heard these words; his heart
throbbed as if it would burst, and when his friend had taken leave he
turned deadly pale and sank exhausted upon the sofa. Now for the first
time he felt what, in the suspense of the last few days, he had not
heeded, that he was ill; but he dared not yield to it. Madame d'Anneaud
was to set out that very evening. The thought drove him back to the
city, that he might at least watch her window and witness her
departure. She saw him, and as she entered her carriage cast a long
and, as it appeared to him, sorrowful glance at him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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