He returned to the castle wild with despair. What was he to do now,
follow her, perhaps to be again repulsed? sacrifice his scientific
studies at the decisive time of the examination to rush around Paris
imploring love, perchance in vain? It seemed too useless and degrading
for him to resolve upon it without further reflection. He strove with
superhuman exertion to busy himself in his work; in vain, his thoughts
refused to obey his will. Day and night he sat over his books, gazing
with burning eyes and bewildered brain at the letters, to him so
unmeaning and disconnected, while the maddest longing raged in his
panting breast. In this torturing, mental struggle his bodily health
failed more and more; the illness which he had felt ever since his
first great emotion made itself the more apparent the less he spared
himself. At last he yielded, and became the prey of a most violent
feverish attack. The physician who was summoned shrugged his shoulders
thoughtfully, for the young man's condition afforded every symptom that
nervous fever was to be apprehended.
II.
DUAL APPARITIONS.
The fever increased day by day. Heinrich became very delirious and
required incessant watching. On one of his worst nights the nurse,
overpowered by fatigue, fell asleep. The patient seemed to become more
quiet for a few minutes, and gazed with half-closed eyes at the dull
glimmer of the night-lamp. For a time in his stupefaction followed a
fixed train of ideas,--it was the conflict between duty and inclination
which had made him so ill. His imagination incessantly painted pictures
which his conscience destroyed. He lamented that he did not possess
that thoughtless frivolity which receives every enjoyment as a gift
from the loving Father, without doubt, struggle, or conflict with what
we term conscience, duty, honor. "Oh, God! Thou who hast given me
life," he murmured, "what didst thou bestow in putting me under the
dominion of a power which feeds upon the blood of my murdered joys, and
absorbs the sweetest marrow of this existence! The only happy natures
are those which can so divide intellect and feeling that they can no
longer bias each other. Oh, would that I might also!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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