“We had just sat down to tea,” said Mr. Harper, “at the engineers’ table, and the chief engineer was saying grace. He had just uttered the words, ‘For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful,’ when there came an awful crash.” A MIXED BLESSING A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift of socks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavy march. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, a mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of stiff writing paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: “God bless the wearer of this pair of socks!” OR A BASEBALL UMPIRE “I saw a war picture, and one of the soldiers in the firing-line, amid bursting shells and dead and wounded men, was yawning.” “He was probably a football-player to whom his surroundings seemed tame.” NOT TO EXCEED HIS LIMIT During the opening stages of the present war a certain soldier was told that there were three Germans to every one of the Allied forces in that part of the field. Tommy went into action with great vigor, but later his company sergeant was horrified to see him shoulder his rifle and calmly march to the rear. “Where are you off to?” he roared. “Oh,” replied Tommy, “I’ve killed three of the enemy. I’ve done my share, so I’m off back to the camp.” OUT OF HARM’S WAY “If you had to go to war what position would you choose?” “The drummer’s, I think.” “Why so?” “When a charge was ordered, I’d pick up my drum and beat it.” SHOWING HIM HOW The company was about to commence practice in trench-digging. “Shall I show you how to handle the spade?” inquired a young officer of one private who was curiously watching the efforts of his companions. “Aye, if tha likes,” responded the soldier. “There you are,” commented the officer shortly afterwards, as he handed over the spade. “Tha shapes pratty weel,” said the private, a collier from the Durham pits, “for a novice.” NO EXCEPTION Policeman (arresting burglar)—“Ain’t people worried enough by this war without burglaring their houses?” Burglar—“All the papers are saying ‘business as usual.’” IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE Bill Bates, a coal miner, had joined Kitchener’s Army, and was undergoing musketry instruction. The officer had been at some pains to impress upon the recruits that in loading a rifle they should place one cartridge in the barrel and ten in the magazine. Singling out Bill, the officer said to him: “Now, what do you do with your cartridges when loading?” “Put one in t’ tunnel an’ ten in t’ can!” was the reply. SCARED HIM TO THINK OF IT The general was distributing medals for special valor. Summoning Private Bumptious to step forward, much to the general surprise of the ranks, he thundered out: