With commendable promptitude the superior officer received this reply: “Have arrested seven Germans, four Russians, two Frenchmen, five Italians, two Roumanians, and an American. Please say who we’re at war with.” THE AMUSING MONOCLE “Say, pop,” said the American tourist’s little boy in London, “why does that there soldier wear an eyeglass only on one eye?” “So he kin use t’other one to see with!” Mr. Scrapple answered. SURROUNDED! A weaver, who is noted for his joking propensities, took his fellow-workers quite unawares the other morning. He was reading, as has been his custom since the war began, the latest news of Army and Fleet. After glancing through the first page they were astonished to see Jock looking wildly about him, and gesticulating to his partner. “What dost think? What dost think? British Fleet ’as gotten surrounded. Dost yer? Dost yer? Our Fleet ’as gotten surrounded!” In less than five minutes they were off scanning their papers for the unbelievable news. At last one of the weavers, not being able to find the news in his paper, approached Jock. “Aw say, Jock, lad, wheer is it?” “Wheer’s what? Th’ British Fleet? Whey, in t’ North Sea, aw reckon.” “Aw mean wheer did ta see it about t’ German Fleet having surrounded our Fleet?” “Aw never said owt about th’ German Fleet; aw said our Fleet ud gotten surrounded.” “Well, what else con it be surrounded wi’, then?” “Whey, it’s surrounded wi’ waythur, tha foo’!” TEXT FOR A BIG “STORY” An English correspondent said in Washington: “I once tried to interview Lord Kitchener, the English war minister. I tackled him after dinner in a hotel lounge as he sipped his coffee and puffed on a huge cigar. He stared at me when I proffered my request, then he blew a cloud of smoke and said: “‘I never gave an interview in my life, and I never intend to.’ “This seemed decisive enough. I felt myself getting red, and I stammered, as I prepared to go: “‘Well, then, Lord Kitchener, will you at least give me your autograph? It would be worth having.’ “He blew another cloud of smoke. Then he answered: “‘You’d better go off and make your own autograph worth having.’” NOT AS IT SEEMED Whilst making his usual daily inspection of the stables the colonel noticed Private Jones giving his horse a piece of lump sugar. “I am very pleased to see you making much of your horse, Private Jones,” he said; “it shows that you regard him with the true spirit, and I will not forget you for it.” Private Jones waited until his commanding officer was out of earshot, and then turned to his neighbor. “I wasn’t making much of him,” he said. “The blighter threw me off this morning, and I’m trying to give him the blinkin’ toothache.” THERE WERE HOPES Mollie (aged seven), English, and proud of it, was presented with a new and beautiful doll one morning. A little later in the day she discovered the horrid fact that it was “made in Germany.”