Black humor; City and town life -- Fiction; Intellectuals -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction; Satire
“The hair, gentlemen, is a tube. If you cut it and leave the end
unsealed, the water will get in and rot the tube. Hence the importance
of singeing, gentlemen. Singeing seals the tube. I shall address the
boys about it after chapel to-morrow morning; and I trust that all
house-masters”—and he had glared around him from under his savage
eyebrows—“will see that their boys get themselves regularly singed after
cutting.”
For weeks afterwards every boy trailed behind him a faint and nauseating
whiff of burning, as though he were fresh from hell. And now it was the
Risorgimento. One of these days, Gumbril reflected, it would be birth
control, or the decimal system, or rational dress.
He picked up the nearest batch of papers. The printed questions were
pinned to the topmost of them.
“Give a brief account of the character and career of Pope Pius IX, _with
dates wherever possible_.”
Gumbril leaned back in his chair and thought of his own character, with
dates. 1896: the first serious and conscious and deliberate lie. Did you
break that vase, Theodore? No, mother. It lay on his conscience for
nearly a month, eating deeper and deeper. Then he had confessed the
truth. Or rather he had not confessed; that was too difficult. He led
the conversation, very subtly, as he thought, round through the
non-malleability of glass, through breakages in general, to this
particular broken vase; he practically forced his mother to repeat her
question. And then, with a burst of tears, he had answered, yes. It had
always been difficult for him to say things directly, point-blank. His
mother had told him, when she was dying.... No, no; not that.
In 1898 or 1899—oh, these dates!—he had made a pact with his little
cousin, Molly, that she should let him see her with no clothes on, if he
would do the same by her. She had fulfilled her part of the bargain; but
he, overwhelmed at the last moment by a passion of modesty, had broken
his promise.
Then, when he was about twelve and still at his preparatory school, in
1902 or 1903 he had done badly in his exams., on purpose; he had been
frightened of Sadler, who was in the same form, and wanted to get the
prize. Sadler was stronger than he was, and had a genius for
persecution. He had done so badly that his mother was unhappy; and it
was impossible for him to explain.
In 1906 he had fallen in love for the first time—ah, much more violently
than ever since—with a boy of his own age. Platonic it had been and
profound. He had done badly that term, too; not on purpose, but because
he had spent so much time helping young Vickers with his work. Vickers
was really very stupid. The next term he had ‘come out’—_Staphylococcus
pyogenes_ is a lover of growing adolescence—with spots and boils all
over his face and neck. Gumbril’s affection ceased as suddenly as it had
begun. He finished that term, he remembered, with a second prize.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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