Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
Nor was the result ungratifying, as various letters still in my
possession go to prove. Though unable, owing to so many similar and
previously acquired obligations, to accede to my father’s suggestion,
all of them replied with the greatest courtesy. Thus the Dean of St.
Paul’s wrote in person wishing me every success in life; the Bishop of
London trusted that my father’s aspirations as to my personal holiness
would be realized; while the Archbishop of Canterbury commanded his
secretary to express his gratification at the suggestion of an honour
that only the exigencies of his position as Primate forbade him to
accept. Needless to say, those in charge of the State, whom my father
next approached, behaved very differently. Neither the Prime Minister
nor the Home Secretary saw fit to reply at all, while the President of
the Board of Trade merely expressed a formal regret. And yet in the end,
as is so often the case, the solution proved quite a simple one. Turn
but a stone, says a poet, and start a wing. And my father did not even
need to turn a stone. Sick at heart, he was returning home one night
when he suddenly caught sight of himself in a cheesemonger’s window. It
was as though Providence, he said, had touched him on the shoulder.
Whereas he had been blind, he said, then he saw. For a moment the shock
was almost too much for him. A member of the constabulary, indeed,
actually asked him to move on. But the solution was there, staring him
in the face. Involuntarily he raised his hat. _He himself was the man._
With my aunt, Mrs. Emily Smith, only too eager to be my godmother,
everything now seemed to be propitious for the happy consummation of my
baptism, and no more earnest or reverent gathering could have been found
that day in any metropolitan church. The vicar being godfather, the
actual ceremony was, at my father’s suggestion, performed by the senior
curate, the junior curate, in deference to my father’s position as
sidesman, being on the vicar’s right hand between him and my mother.
On the senior curate’s left stood my father, flanked on his own left by
the verger, the circle round the font being completed by Mrs. Emily
Smith, my mother’s mother, my mother’s father, her eight sisters and the
aunt that had stood with my mother’s mother at the foot of the stairs. A
soft April rain was refreshing the outside world, and the first part of
the service had been successfully performed, when an incident occurred
that might well have been attended with the most tragic and irreparable
consequences. For there suddenly took place, just as I had been handed
to the senior curate, so acute an exacerbation of the erythema that, in
the ensuing convulsion, he was quite unable to retain me in his grasp.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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