Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man — John Shaqi
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
They did so, but with marked reluctance.
“Hancock and Harper,” he said, “is this true?”
They were silent. But their faces betrayed them, as did Harper’s Bible,
that slipped to the floor.
“Hancock and Harper,” said Mr. Lorton, “I am ashamed of you. You must
each write me out fifty lines.”
“But, sir,” I cried, “in justice to myself, who knew the correct answer
without committing sacrilege, nay, in justice to my fellow-scholars, to
say nothing of Holy Writ, surely these lads must be subjected to some
less trivial and severer penalty.”
Mr. Lorton readjusted his glasses. Then he removed them again and began
to wipe them.
“Hanper and Harcock,” he said, “I mean Harcock and Hanper, as Carp has
reminded you, you have sinned very grievously. But I hope—er—this
publicity, this publicity, I say, will not be lacking in its due effect
upon you.”
“But, sir,” I cried, “these are mere words.”
“They are very serious ones,” he said, “very serious ones. Also, as I
said, you will each write me fifty lines. And now perhaps Smith Major
can tell us who Argob was.”
Petrified by the levity with which the very owner of the school was able
to endure so shattering an exposure, I remained standing for several
seconds, wholly unable to utter a syllable. And when I sank at last,
stunned and unsupported, into the seat from which I had so lately risen,
it was as though my boyhood (and indeed this was actually the case) had
been finally snatched from me for ever. Nor was this the end. For, when
we emerged into the playground, I found myself surrounded by an
opprobrious mob, evidently suborned by Harper and Hancock for the
purposes of physical assault and battery. Thrust from one to the other,
my collar was disarranged, I was several times smitten upon the face,
and it was only by the exercise of my utmost lung-power that I succeeded
in attracting adult attention. Indeed I am almost certain that I
observed Mr. Muglington and Mr. Beerthorpe lurking supine behind a
curtain, and it was by no less a person than my own father that I was
ultimately removed from danger.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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