Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
“Well, I can hardly say,” he replied, “that as yet—er—we have come to a
definite conclusion. The moral qualities, you see, though extremely
valuable——”
“For ultimate salvation,” said my father, “they are essential.”
“Oh, of course,” said Mr. Lorton, “of course. But in the meantime, you
know, and taken by themselves——” He paused for a moment, and then his
face brightened. “Have you ever thought,” he said, “of making your son a
missionary?”
A sort of sigh emanated from his wife.
“In a warm country,” she said, “a long way off?”
Mr. Lorton nodded.
“Healthy but remote,” he said, “where his moral enthusiasm could have
full play?”
“And where his personal appearance,” said Mrs. Lorton, “could scarcely
fail to be such a protection to him?”
“Quite so,” said Mr. Lorton. “I can conceive of no one eating dear
Augustus.”
Mrs. Lorton smiled not unkindly.
“No one at all,” she said, “not even the most debased.”
Afterwards, as we discovered, these remarks lacked sincerity. But for
the moment we were not ungrateful. Colouring with pleasure my father
lifted his hand.
“I am again obliged to you,” he said, “for your tribute.”
Mr. Lorton rose to his feet, evidently under the impression that the
interview had ended.
“Oh, not at all,” he said, “not at all, we are only too happy to have
been of any assistance.”
He moved towards the door. But my father motioned him back. Somewhat
less agreeably, I thought, he sat down again. Allowing him a moment for
this, my father then proceeded.
“Sensible as I am,” he said, “both of the justice, and I may say
discernment, of your suggestion, neither on financial nor hygienic
grounds am I able to entertain it; and indeed in its main outlines the
province of my son’s future has already been delineated for us. Second
to none in my admiration of the noble calling to which you have
referred, surely they are nobler who have created the means by which our
missionaries subsist, and who, of the wealth that their efforts have
amassed, continue to support these emissaries of religion. It is
therefore to Commerce that my son has been called, but in his first
introduction to this sacred field, we have only thought it right to
afford you the opportunity of being the possible instrument of
Providence.”
“I see,” said Mr. Lorton. “That is very kind of you.”
“Take away the number,” said his wife, “that you first thought of.”
My father stared at her. But she appeared to be in a kind of stupor, and
it seemed more merciful to avert his eyes.
“It has in fact occurred to us,” he said, “or rather to me—for it was to
me personally that the idea was vouchsafed—that your brother Chrysostom
would be glad to hear that my son’s services were now available.”
For two or three moments Mr. Lorton seemed to struggle for breath. Then
he made a meaningless sound like that of a small animal.
“My brother C—Chrysostom?” he said at last. “But in what capacity would
you propose to offer your son?”
My father smiled somewhat dryly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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