What was it she demanded in love, that she had sought so ardently and
ever missed? Could he give it to her? Was she merely glamored once
more, caught up again in the delusions of youth, with her revivified
brain and reawakened senses, and this time only because the man was of
a type novel in her cognizance of men? Useless to plead the urge of
the race in her case. . . . Nevertheless, many women, denied the power
of reproduction fell as mistakenly in love as the most fertile of their
sisters. But hardly a woman of Mary Zattiany's exhaustive experience!
She certainly should know her own mind. Her instincts by this time
must be compounded of technical knowledge, not the groping inherited
flashes playing about the shallow soil of youth. . . . If her
instincts had centred on him there must be some deeper meaning than
passion or even intellectual homology. After all, their conversations,
if vital, had been few in number.
Perhaps she had found, with her mind's trained antennae, some one of
those hidden layers of personality which she alone could reveal to
himself. What was it? She wanted far more than love-making and mental
correspondence. _What_ was it? He wished he knew. Tenderness? He
could give her that in full measure. Sentiment? He was no
sentimentalist, but he believed that he possessed the finer quality.
Fidelity? That was not worth consideration. Appreciation of the
deepest and best in her, sympathetic understanding of all her mistakes
and of all that she had suffered? She knew the answer as well as he
did. The ability to meet her in many moods, never to weary her with
monotony? He was a man of many moods himself. What had saved him from
early matrimony was a certain monotony in women, the cleverest of them.
But there must be something beyond, some subtle spiritual demand,
developed throughout nearly twice as many years as he had dwelt on
earth; born not only of an aspiring soul and terrible disenchantments,
but of a wisdom that only years of deep and living experience, no mere
intelligence, however brilliant, could hope to assemble. He was
thirty-four. There was no possible question that at fifty-eight, if he
lived sanely, and his intellectual faculties had progressed unimpaired,
he would look back upon thirty-four as the nonage of life--when the
future was a misty abyss of wisdom whose brink he had barely trod. She
herself was an abyss of wisdom. How in God's name could he ever cross
it? Her body might be young again, but never her mind. Never her
mind! And then he had a flash of insight. Perhaps he alone could
rejuvenate that mind.
Certainly he could make her forget. Men and women would be aged at
thirty, but for this beneficent gift of forgetting. . . . He could
make the present vivid enough.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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