By little and little our conversation glided back to our young past, and
thence to those dreams, nourished ever by the young;—love and romance,
and home brightened by warmer beams than glow in the smile of sober
friendship. How the talk took this direction I know not; perhaps by
unconscious association, as the moon rose above the forest-hills, with
the love-star by her side. And, thus conversing, Tracey for the first
time alluded to that single passion which had vexed the smooth river of
his life—and which, thanks to Lady Gertrude, was already, though
vaguely, known to me.
“It was,” said he, “just such a summer night as this, and, though in a
foreign country, amidst scenes of which these woodland hills remind me,
that the world seemed to me to have changed into a Fairyland; and,
looking into my heart, I said to myself, ‘This, then, is—love.’ And a
little while after, on such a night, and under such a moon, and amidst
such hills and groves, the world seemed blighted into a desert—life to
be evermore without hope or object; and, looking again into my heart, I
said, ‘This, then, is love denied!’”
“Alas!” answered I, “there are few men in whose lives there is not some
secret memoir of an affection thwarted; but rarely indeed does an
affection thwarted leave a permanent influence on the after-destinies of
a man’s life. On that question I meditate an essay, which, if ever
printed, I will send to you.”
I said this, wishing to draw him on, and expecting him to contradict my
assertion as to the enduring influence of a disappointed love. He mused
a moment or so in silence, and then said, “Well, perhaps so; an unhappy
love may not permanently affect our after-destinies, still it colours
our after-thoughts. It is strange that I should have only seen,
throughout my long and various existence, one woman whom I could have
wooed as my wife—one woman in whose presence I felt as if I were born
for her and she for me.”
“May I ask you what was her peculiar charm in your eyes; or, if you
permit me to ask, can you explain it?”
“No doubt,” answered Tracey, “much must be ascribed to the character of
her beauty, which realised the type I had formed to myself from boyhood
of womanly loveliness in form and face, and much also to a mind with
which a man, however cultivated, could hold equal commune. But to me her
predominating attraction was in a simple, unassuming nobleness of
sentiment—a truthful, loyal, devoted, self-sacrificing nature. In her
society I felt myself purified, exalted, as if in the presence of an
angel. But enough of this. I am resigned to my loss, and have long since
hung my votive tablet in the shrine of ‘Time the Consoler.’”
“Forgive me if I am intrusive; but did she know that you loved her?”
“I cannot say; probably most women discover if they are loved; but I
rejoice to think that I never told her so.”
“Would she have rejected you if you had?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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