Bottoms Up: An Application of the Slapstick to SatireNathan, George Jean
General
Bottoms Up: An Application of the Slapstick to Satire
Nathan, George Jean
American wit and humor
So, my proud beauty, your spirit is broken at last! And at last I have
you within my power!
MARY
Oh, God, give me strength! If I were a man, I’d _kill_ you! You are of
the kind who drag women to the gutter.
DALTON
Now, now, my fine young animal! Remember--’twas you, too, who sinned!
MARY
(_sobbing wildly_)
Folly, yes--but not sin, no, no--not sin, not sin! It is the weakness
of women and the perfidy of men that makes women sin.
DALTON
(_sneering_)
Sin it was--_sin_, I repeat it. You--you’re no better now than the
women of the streets!
MARY
No, no! Don’t say that, don’t say that! Have pity!
(_throwing herself before him_)
See! It is a helpless woman who kneels at your feet--
DALTON
(_throwing her from him_)
Bah!
MARY
(_pleading_)
Who asks you to give back what is more precious to her than jewels and
riches, than life itself--her honor!
DALTON
Enough of that! Now, you, listen to me! Do as I say and I can make a
lady of you--you shall be dressed like a queen and move in society,
loved, honored and famous. This I offer you if--if you will become my
wife.
MARY
Your wife! Not if all the gold of the world were in your hands, and
you gave it to me. Your wife--never--never--not even to become a lady!
Before I’d be your wife I’d live in rags and be proud of my poverty!
There is the door--_go_!
DALTON
Not so fast, my girl!
MARY
I’ll do what thousands of other heartbroken and despairing women have
done--seek for peace in the silence of the grave!
DALTON
(_sneeringly_)
Well, what _will_ you do?
MARY
Stand back! Let me pass. If you lay your hand on me, I’ll--
DALTON
Ha!
(_He advances upon her and makes to seize her in his arms. She
struggles, screams. Enter Dick, revolver drawn_)
DICK
What’s the meaning of this? _Speak!_
DALTON
(_to Mary, airily_)
Who is this young--this young _cub_?
(_aside_)
Damnation!
DICK
(_advancing_)
I’ll show you soon enough, you fighter of _women_!
DALTON
(_in a superior tone, loftily ignoring the insult_)
Hm, you Americans are a peculiar lot. But I suppose your manners will
improve as your country grows older.
DICK
Oh, I see! So you’re an Englishman, aren’t you? Englishmen never
believe how fast we grow in this country. They won’t believe that
George Washington ever made them get out of it, either, but he did!
DALTON
Ah, my dear fellow, _our_ country has grown up of its own accord, but
_you_ have to get immigrants to help _you_ build up _your_ country--and
what are they?
DICK
That’s so: they don’t amount to anything until they come over here and
inhale the free and fresh air of liberty. Then they become _American
citizens_ and they amount to a great deal. We build up the West and
feed the world!
DALTON
Feed the world! Oh, no! Certainly you don’t feed England!
DICK
Oh yes we do! We’ve fed England. We gave you a warm breakfast in 1776,
a boiling dinner in 1812--and we’ve got a red-hot supper for you any
time you want it!
DALTON
(_insolently_)
’Pon my word, you amuse me.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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