One does not remember one’s birth—one has to be told. But with me it was
different; life came to me full-handed and dowered me with all my
faculties and powers. Of a previous existence I know no more than
others, for all have stammering intimations that may be memories and may
be dreams. I know only that my first consciousness was of maturity in
body and mind—a consciousness accepted without surprise or conjecture. I
merely found myself walking in a forest, half-clad, footsore, unutterably
weary and hungry. Seeing a farmhouse, I approached and asked for food,
which was given me by one who inquired my name. I did not know, yet knew
that all had names. Greatly embarrassed, I retreated, and night coming
on, lay down in the forest and slept.
The next day I entered a large town which I shall not name. Nor shall I
recount further incidents of the life that is now to end—a life of
wandering, always and everywhere haunted by an overmastering sense of
crime in punishment of wrong and of terror in punishment of crime. Let
me see if I can reduce it to narrative.
I seem once to have lived near a great city, a prosperous planter,
married to a woman whom I loved and distrusted. We had, it sometimes
seems, one child, a youth of brilliant parts and promise. He is at all
times a vague figure, never clearly drawn, frequently altogether out of
the picture.
One luckless evening it occurred to me to test my wife’s fidelity in a
vulgar, commonplace way familiar to everyone who has acquaintance with
the literature of fact and fiction. I went to the city, telling my wife
that I should be absent until the following afternoon. But I returned
before daybreak and went to the rear of the house, purposing to enter by
a door with which I had secretly so tampered that it would seem to lock,
yet not actually fasten. As I approached it, I heard it gently open and
close, and saw a man steal away into the darkness. With murder in my
heart, I sprang after him, but he had vanished without even the bad luck
of identification. Sometimes now I cannot even persuade myself that it
was a human being.
Crazed with jealousy and rage, blind and bestial with all the elemental
passions of insulted manhood, I entered the house and sprang up the
stairs to the door of my wife’s chamber. It was closed, but having
tampered with its lock also, I easily entered and despite the black
darkness soon stood by the side of her bed. My groping hands told me
that although disarranged it was unoccupied.
“She is below,” I thought, “and terrified by my entrance has evaded me in
the darkness of the hall.”
With the purpose of seeking her I turned to leave the room, but took a
wrong direction—the right one! My foot struck her, cowering in a corner
of the room. Instantly my hands were at her throat, stifling a shriek,
my knees were upon her struggling body; and there in the darkness,
without a word of accusation or reproach, I strangled her till she died!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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