There ends the dream. I have related it in the past tense, but the
present would be the fitter form, for again and again the somber tragedy
reenacts itself in my consciousness—over and over I lay the plan, I
suffer the confirmation, I redress the wrong. Then all is blank; and
afterward the rains beat against the grimy window-panes, or the snows
fall upon my scant attire, the wheels rattle in the squalid streets where
my life lies in poverty and mean employment. If there is ever sunshine I
do not recall it; if there are birds they do not sing.
There is another dream, another vision of the night. I stand among the
shadows in a moonlit road. I am aware of another presence, but whose I
cannot rightly determine. In the shadow of a great dwelling I catch the
gleam of white garments; then the figure of a woman confronts me in the
road—my murdered wife! There is death in the face; there are marks upon
the throat. The eyes are fixed on mine with an infinite gravity which is
not reproach, nor hate, nor menace, nor anything less terrible than
recognition. Before this awful apparition I retreat in terror—a terror
that is upon me as I write. I can no longer rightly shape the words.
See! they—
Now I am calm, but truly there is no more to tell: the incident ends
where it began—in darkness and in doubt.
Yes, I am again in control of myself: “the captain of my soul.” But that
is not respite; it is another stage and phase of expiation. My penance,
constant in degree, is mutable in kind: one of its variants is
tranquillity. After all, it is only a life-sentence. “To Hell for
life”—that is a foolish penalty: the culprit chooses the duration of his
punishment. To-day my term expires.
To each and all, the peace that was not mine.
III
STATEMENT OF THE LATE JULIA HETMAN,
THROUGH THE MEDIUM BAYROLLES
I had retired early and fallen almost immediately into a peaceful sleep,
from which I awoke with that indefinable sense of peril which is, I
think, a common experience in that other, earlier life. Of its unmeaning
character, too, I was entirely persuaded, yet that did not banish it. My
husband, Joel Hetman, was away from home; the servants slept in another
part of the house. But these were familiar conditions; they had never
before distressed me. Nevertheless, the strange terror grew so
insupportable that conquering my reluctance to move I sat up and lit the
lamp at my bedside. Contrary to my expectation this gave me no relief;
the light seemed rather an added danger, for I reflected that it would
shine out under the door, disclosing my presence to whatever evil thing
might lurk outside. You that are still in the flesh, subject to horrors
of the imagination, think what a monstrous fear that must be which seeks
in darkness security from malevolent existences of the night. That is to
spring to close quarters with an unseen enemy—the strategy of despair!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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