“Now while you were at college, my son, Tell me of some of the things you done. I hope you kept off the cards and vice?” “Certainly, father; I only played dice.” “And you didn’t go to the races each day?” “We bet right in school. They were so far away.” “You don’t smoke cigarettes? I said it’s not right.” “No. What I smoke, dad, are cigars and a pipe.” “You didn’t go round with boys who were tough?” “I went with the girls. But I never was rough.” “You didn’t sneak out and do drinking by stealth?” “Oh, nothing like that. I made it myself.” “You mean to say you’ve taken a nip?” “Sure. If you want a drink there’s some on my hip.” “You never went to a midnight revue?” “No. I went with the chorus when they were through.” “I hope you didn’t get fighting, my son?” “No one would try it. I carried a gun.” “I suppose in all sport you took a delight?” “Yes. I used to like dancing without any light.” “Of course you took part in the baseball game?” “I didn’t like baseball. It’s rather too tame.” “You didn’t go help your club try and win?” “No. I’d much rather help a girl try and swim.” “And how much learning, my boy, can you show?” “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.” “I’m glad to see that my son is a man.” “Yes. I can do more than you ever can.” “My boy, I see you’re a lad of my heart.” “All right—make it Paris. When do we start?” * * * * * The Sphere Feminine They talk about a woman’s sphere As though it had a limit; There’s not a place in earth or heaven, There’s not a task to mankind given; There’s not a blessing or a woe, There’s not a whispered yes or no; There’s not a life, there’s not a birth, That has a feather’s weight of worth— Without some woman in it! * * * * * Certainty Is it you I love, dear? I can scarcely tell, When you smile, your eyes, dear, Make me think of Nell. When you’re sad, your mouth, dear, Makes me think of Sue, But, dearest, when I kiss you I am surely sure it’s you. _Our Winter Annual_ In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal will contain a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingled, pot pourri, stories, and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, will contain four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and will sell for one dollar per copy. It will be a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list will be: