=_Dear Bilious Skipper_=—I am a bride of two weeks and my husband has broken my heart accusing me of extravagance and failure to economize in the home. I have tried lots of cheap dishes without success. Could you suggest a few menus which would enable me to make both ends meet?—=_Worried Marjorie._= Well, Marj, I am not much of an expert at cooking so I have referred your question to Maggie the hired girl. She suggests as a cheap dish, beans, but if you have tried them without success, why not try serving tongue and eggs? * * * * * =_Dear Captain Billy_=—Can you tell me where moonshine comes from?—=_Hugo Chaser._= No, that’s a secret still. * * * * * =_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am informed that it is absolutely proper for a lady to shake hands when sitting. If so, has the gentleman the same privilege?—=_Minnie Haha._= When shaking hands in this glorious land of the free and the home of the Drys, a Gentleman does it standing, a lady has the privilege of shaking sitting down, and a Dog does it standing on three legs. * * * * * =_Dear Captain_=—What makes the ocean so blue?—=_T. N. T._= Because it has to embrace so many objectionable people. * * * * * =_Dear Bill_=—Why does a chicken cross the road?—=_Slim Jim._= Because she sees some fellow over there who looks like easy picking. * * * * * Pat, Lady Killer A son of Erin wandered into a revival meeting one night. After listening to the revivalist catalogue the crimes and misdemeanors of which his hearers were guilty and enlarge upon the danger of spending eternity in a warm but insalubrious climate, the poor Irishman felt that he was “hair hung and breeze shaken over hell” as Elder Means said. Soon he was under deep “conviction” and in due time was soundly converted. A few evenings later he arose to give his “testimony” and said: “Ladies and gintlemen; Oh, Oi beg yer pardon—My Dear Sisters an’ Brothers; you know Oi’m not used to spakin’ in meetin’s like this. But Oi want to tell you that Oi’m glad Oi’m saved. An’ be the way, it took a helluva lot of grace to save me, for Oi was a dom bad man. Oi lied an’ dhrank an’ swore an’ stole an’ gambled an’ did everyt’ing that was low and vile an’ mean. An’ more than that, Oi was a ‘killer’ among the women, as many of the sisters here present kin testify.” * * * * * A Chaplin Prayer Danny was a good boy. Jimmy was not. Danny said his prayers—“Give us this day our daily bread.” But Jimmy interrupted—“Strike him for pie, Danny.” * * * * * The Bray of An Ass A man who was walking through a train inadvertently left the door of one of the cars open. A big man sitting in a seat in the middle of the car yelled: “Shut the door, you fool! Were you raised in a barn?”