One fine day, in the month of May, a dirty old bum came hiking; He sat down by a pig pen, which was very much to his liking. On the very same day, in the month of May, a farmer’s son came piping; Said the bum to the son, “If you’ll only come, I will show you things to your liking. I will show you the bees, and the cigarette trees, and the gum drop heights, where they give away kites, and the big rock candy mountains; And the lemonade springs, where the blue bird sings, and marbles made of crystal; you can whiff the breeze from the mince pie trees, where the wind blows fine and frisky; and you can join the band of Rocky Mountain Sam, and get yourself a sword and a pistol.” The farmer’s son then went along, listening to the bum’s merry song; and for six months they did travel. Said the bum to the son, “When I get done, you’re going to be a little devil.” The punk looked up with his big blue eyes, and then he said to Sandy, “Now we’ve been a hiking all day long, now gosh darn where’s your candy? You put a brace on my leg, and showed me how to beg, and you told me you were my jocker; and you told me lies, when you promised me pies, and you called me an apple knocker; I’m a goin’ back home, no more to roam, I’m packing my junkerino; You can bet your lid, that this Hoosier kid, won’t be any bum’s punkerino.” * * * * * Misplaced Eyebrow—“There is a hair in my soup.” Diplomatic Waiter—“Probably out of your mustache.” “I never thought of that.” * * * * * Clap, Clap, Clap, Hurray! “How do you like the Volstead Act?” “I never did care for vaudeville.” * * * * * Oh, the Merry Bells of Windsor Johnny was late at school and explained that a wedding at his house was the cause of the delay. “That’s nice,” replied teacher, “who gave the bride away?” “Well,” Johnny answered, “I could have, but I kept my mouth shut.” * * * * * The Barb Wire Hairnet _Her has gone, her has went,_ _Her has left I all alone,_ _Can her never come to me,_ _Must me always go to she?_ _It can never was._ * * * * * Some Parties, Ahoy! “I suppose your wife was tickled to death at your raise in salary?” “She will be.” “Haven’t you told her yet?” “No, I thought I would enjoy myself for a couple of weeks first.” * * * * * Isaac Goldstein came home one evening, unexpectedly, and found a man sitting on his wife’s lap. Next day he told his business partner about it. His partner asked Mr. Goldstein what he had said to the man. Goldstein replied, “I didn’t even speak to him. He was a stranger.” _Pasture Pot Pourri_ _Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,_ _If you don’t like my figure,_ _Keep your hands off my shoulders._ * * * * * Finishing Touches