Pat—“If oi get there first oi’ll make a mark on the tree with this chalk, Mike, and if you get there first you rub it off.” * * * * * The Old Boy’s Chatter The fellow who marries a bow-legged girl these days has no excuse that he can’t see what he’s getting. * * * * * He doesn’t dress so neat on work days, but he wears his new hat on his week end. * * * * * This Bends in the Middle Santa Claus played a dirty trick on the bow-legged girls, didn’t he? Why? See what he put in their stockings! * * * * * Another Version of It No matter how pretty a bow-legged girl may be; she is always in bad shape. * * * * * Did you ever go to the postoffice to attend the graduation exercises of a correspondence school class? * * * * * The Charity Bazaar “How much am I offered for this pie?” sang out the auctioneer. “Six bits,” one youth bid. “Who will make it eighty? Just imagine, you get the girl and all!” “Say, mister,” ejaculated the youth, “what kind of pie is it you’re selling?” * * * * * Shed Tears, Brothers Yep, I’ve quit th’ holdup game, I’ll hang ’round joints no more. So with a sigh And a faint little cry The garter stretched out on the floor! * * * * * Our Monthly Maxim A bell’s a bell even though it is on a cow. * * * * * Our Monthly Toast For fill up your glasses, And fill ’em up full, And drink to the health Of the Pedigreed Bull. * * * * * Indoor Sports (From “The Blue Lagoon,” a novel.) Her ears were small and like little white shells. He would take one between finger and thumb and play with it as if it were a toy, pulling at the lobe of it or trying to flatten out the curved part. Her breasts, her shoulders, her knees, her little feet, every bit of her, he would examine and play with and kiss. She would lie and let him, seeming absorbed in some far-away thought, of which he was the object; then all at once her arms would go round him. All this used to go on in the broad light of day, under the shadow of the artu leaves, with no one to watch except the bright-eyed birds in the leaves above. * * * * * Not In Robbinsdale Hello, is this the chief of the Fire Department? Yes, this is the chief. Well, my house is on fire. How long has it been burnin’? Half hour. Did you try puttin’ water on it? Yes, but it won’t go out. Then ’taint no use in us comin’ over, because that’s all we could do. G’Bye! * * * * * Women are the greatest edition in the world and no man should be without a copy. * * * * * Parlor Story