A southern restaurant serves eggs with all meat orders. A patron ordered pork chops. “Boss, how do yo’ all want yo’ eggs,” inquired the waiter. “Oh, you can eliminate the eggs.” The waiter repeated the order to the colored chef and added “liminate dem eggs.” The chef scratched his head. “Sambo, yo tell dat customer ah ain’t got no time this mawning to liminate dem eggs and that he all will have to have dem cooked some oder way.” * * * * * Speaking About Atrocities The occupants of the parlor car of the limited were startled by the abrupt entrance of two masked bandits. “T’row up yer hands,” commanded the bigger of the two. “We’re gonna rob all the gents and kiss all the gals.” “No, pardner,” responded the smaller one gallantly, “We’ll rob all the gents but we’ll leave the ladies alone.” “Mind your own business, young fellow,” snapped a female passenger of uncertain age, “The big man’s robbing this train.” * * * * * Pat’s Practical Piety The ice in the river was thin as Pat started to “feel” his way across. Every time Pat put down his right foot he muttered reverently “Praise the Lord,” and as the left foot hit the thin ice, “The devil ain’t such a bad man.” At the other side of the river, Pat, with a sigh of relief, turned back and said “Tuhel with both of yez.” * * * * * Useless Effort Paddy Ryan in Ireland inherited a pile of money and decided to tour France. He hired a guide who steered him up a mountain. After a full day’s climb they reached the summit. “See ze beautiful valley,” said the guide to Paddy, pointing below. “Sure,” stormed the Irishman, “if it’s so dom beautiful in the valley what the divil for did you bring me ’way up here?” * * * * * And He Got It “You are working too hard,” said a policeman to a man who was drilling a hole in a safe at 2:00 o’clock in the morning. “What do you mean?” asked the burglar in a disconcerted tone. “I mean you need arrest,” answered the policeman. * * * * * It Rained Keys, Bo! I met a wonderful girl yesterday afternoon, and she invited me up to her apartment. That night she told me to stand in front of the door and whistle three times and she would throw down the key. Boys, I never saw so many keys in all my life. * * * * * I could print a lot of real funny stories, but what’s the use, you would only laugh at them. _Questions and Answers_ =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the first thing that turns green in the spring?—=_Uppan Attim_=. Christmas jewelry. * * * * * =_Dear Captun_=: My kid brother’s a great chicken chaser. He came home late last night all dizzy; d’you think he was drinkin’ or what’s the matter?—=_Ida Sinkey_=. ‘Swimmin’ in the head. * * * * *