=_Dear Skipper_=—What is meant by “The Port of Missing Men?”—=_Berry M. Deep._= Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath. * * * * * =_Dear Skipper_=—Who are the leading Turkish rulers?—=_Jack Sellers._= Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf. * * * * * =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is your best definition of a diplomat?—=_Phillis Fullabunk._= A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is just getting up. * * * * * =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Will you please tell me who invented apple sauce?—=_Anna Nyas._= William Tell. He shot the apple off his son’s head and they all had apple sauce for supper. * * * * * =_Dear Captain Bill_=—Don’t you think a woman is everything in the world?—=_Tiddledewinks._= Yes, indeed—everything I can think of. * * * * * =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the easiest way to drive a nail without smashing my fingers?—=_Ab Doman._= Hold the hammer in both hands. * * * * * =_Dear Whiz Bang Bill_=—What is your idea of the height of absentmindedness?—=_Lou Z. Lizzie._= The professor who woke up at daylight and found a fair lady beside him, much to his astonishment, having forgotten that he had married the night before. * * * * * =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Can you give me a good remedy for toothache?—=_Holey G. Macknaw._= Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a hot stove till the water boils. * * * * * =_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is good to keep hair in?—=_Baldy Bozo._= A cigar box. * * * * * Preacher—Take up the collection before I start preaching. Why? Preacher—Because I’m going to preach on thrift. * * * * * Sunday School Teacher—“Percy, what must we do before our sins can be forgiven?” Percy—“Sin.” * * * * * Proudie! Proudie! A well-known actor was introduced to a chap who didn’t strike him particularly because he was prejudiced against men who talk in soprano voices. The next time they met he ignored the fellow entirely. A few days later he ran across the fellow again, but his face was still frozen. The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and he of the soprano voice waltzed up to the disgusted actor’s table. “Do you know,” he said, “we have met three times and you weally haven’t noticed me?” Then with a sibilant lisp in a high C that nobody in the cafe could miss, he gave the actor three little dabs on the shoulder and squeaked, “Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!” * * * * * Parlor Story One day an inspector of a New York tenement house found four families living in one room, chalk lines having been drawn in such a manner as to mark out a quarter for each family.