Bildungsromans; English fiction -- 20th century; Women musicians -- Fiction
which she treasured as enshrining her ideal in words of passionate
epigram. “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same,”
was one of them. “I am Heathcliff!” she could scarcely read without
poignant emotion. The enigma of Emily Brontë’s life made her construct
many theories to account for the peculiar passion of _Wuthering
Heights_....
Sometimes she would think proudly: This is an amazing friendship.
We are people in a million. We are immeasurably higher in the human
scale than those to whom such a relation as exists between us would be
incomprehensible and incredible. It is not love that binds us--that
reckless fuser of incompatibilities--it is an affinity of soul, rare,
intense, exquisitely subtle....
And also there were moments of terrible lucidity, when the subtleties
and complexities resolved themselves into a single pattern of tragic
simplicity. She loved him and he did not love her. The relation between
them was compounded of nothing but that. Everything else was artificial
and a sham....
§ 3
Yet platonism was her acknowledged ideal. She was curiously anxious in
discussions with him to emphasize it, even to rhapsodize upon it, to
pour scorn on the sentimentality that finds it unworkable. She strove
to re-create herself on the lines of what she strangely imagined would
be his ideal of womanhood. And somehow this re-creation of herself
was inextricably bound up with the paramount necessity that their
relations must be strictly platonic. She would show him (and herself)
that she was capable of maintaining such a relationship. She found a
savage pride in the restraints she was called upon to exercise. She
took fierce delight in saying things which were not only not true,
but which were like knife-thrusts directed against her own heart. Her
life became interwoven with intrigue against herself. As time passed,
the complexity of what she was attempting began to demand ruthless
self-suppression and a constant cumulative duplicity. Some of the
traits of her newly manufactured character she identified so thoroughly
with herself that she almost forgot whether they were real or not. Some
of the lies that she told and acted became as real to her as the truth.
Moments came when her brain as well as her soul went reeling under the
burden of the tangle she had herself created.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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