But soon he discovered that besides bitterness there remained in him
also a feeling of sorrow because the prospects had vanished which had
been opening before him. It seemed to him that a curtain of the future
had been raised, and something had shown him what might be; then the
curtain had fallen on a sudden, and his life had returned to its former
career, which led finally to nothing, or rather led to a desert. Pan
Stanislav felt in every ease that the old philosopher Vaskovski was
right, and that the making of money is only a means. Beyond that, we
must solve life's riddle in some fashion. There must be an object,
an important task, which, accomplished in a manner straightforward
and honorable, leads to mental peace. That peace is the soul of life;
without it life has, speaking briefly, no meaning.
Pan Stanislav was in some sense a child of the age; that is, he bore in
himself a part of that immense unrest which in the present declining
epoch is the nightmare of mankind. In him, too, the bases on which life
had rested hitherto were crumbling. He too doubted whether rationalism,
stumbling against every stone at the wayside, could take the place
of faith; and faith he had not found yet. He differed, however, from
contemporary "decadents" in this,--that he had not become disenchanted
with himself, his nerves, his doubts, his mental drama, and had not
given himself a dispensation to be an imbecile and an idler. On the
contrary, he had the feeling, more or less conscious, that life as it
is, mysterious or not mysterious, must be accomplished through a series
of toils and exploits. He judged that if it is impossible to answer the
various "whys," still it behooves a man to do something because action
itself may, to a certain degree, be an answer. It may be inconclusive,
it is true; but the man who answers in that way casts from himself
at least responsibility. What remains then? The founding of a family
and social ties. These must, to a certain degree, be a right of human
nature and its predestination, for otherwise people would neither marry
nor associate in societies. A philosophy of this kind, resting on Pan
Stanislav's logical male instinct, indicated marriage to him as one
of the main objects of life. His will had for along time been turned
and directed to this object. A while before, Panna Marynia seemed to
him the pier "for which his ship was making in that gloomy night." But
when he understood that the lamp on that pier had not been lighted for
him, that he must sail farther, begin a new voyage over unknown seas,
a feeling of weariness and regret seized him. But his reasoning seemed
to him logical, and he went home with an almost settled conviction that
"it was not yet that one," and "not yet this time."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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