JOGTROT. I merely precede my esteemed young friend Mr. Chirper by a few minutes. Need I say I should not presume to present him as a competitor for the hand of this charming young lady (_bowing to JESSIE_), had I not discovered in his person qualities of the most solid description. JACK. Solid--eh? I see! inclined to be stout--eh? JOGTROT (_after a stare at JACK, and turning to MRS. T. again_). In fact, I am proud to say that Mr. Chirper is, in the strictest sense of the word, a serious young man! JACK (_aside_). Wheugh! I sha'n't be able to stand much more of Jogtrot! I feel I sha'n't. MRS. T. No doubt I shall grieve to part with Jessie; but as my nephew has left the army, I shall not be entirely alone. JOGTROT (_to JACK_). You are a military man, sir? JACK (_who has been showing a gradual irritation_). I _was_--till I left the army. JOGTROT. Left the army? Allow me to congratulate you on your having done so, sir! JACK (_trying to keep cool_). May I ask _why?_ JOGTROT (_in a supercilious tone_). Because, between ourselves, sir, I consider the military profession-- JACK (_bristling up_). Well, sir, what about the military profession? Anything to say _against_ the military profession? (_advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats_). MRS. T. (_aside to JACK_). Don't be so pugnacious, Jack! Recollect, you're not at the siege of Sebastopol now! JOGTROT (_overhearing them, eagerly_). The siege of Sebastopol? MRS. T. Yes, doctor, my nephew was there during the whole campaign! JOGTROT (_to JACK_). Now, sir, it may be in your power to furnish me with the most interesting statistical information. Can you form any tolerable accurate estimate of the number of projectiles of various kinds and dimensions discharged from the Russian batteries from the beginning of the siege to the end? JACK. Frankly, my dear sir, I'm ashamed to say I never thought of counting them. (_Aside to MRS. TARLETAN._) I wish to speak with all possible respect of this retired chemist and druggist of yours, but he's simply an inflated idiot! JOGTROT. But to return to Mr. Chirper. JACK. Yes, give us a little more about Dicky! JOGTROT (_astonished_). Dicky? JACK. Yes, same thing! Chirpers are all Dickies--Dickies, Chirpers, don't you see? Go on! _MARTHA, entering at L._ MARTHA. A gentleman, ma'am, sent in his card (_giving card to MRS. TARLETAN_). MRS. T. (_reading_). "Mr. Christopher Chirper." Show the gentleman in. (_MARTHA goes to C., shows in CHIRPER, and then exits._) _Enter CHIRPER, in a similar costume to JOGTROT._ JOGTROT (_meeting CHIRPER, and handing him forward and presenting him_). Allow me, Mrs. Tarletan--Mr. Christopher Chirper. Miss Jessie--Mr. Christopher Chirper. (_To JACK._) Sir, Mr. Christopher Chirper. (_CHIRPER bows very solemnly to each._) JACK (_aside_). A cheerful-looking youth, very! one part waiter, three parts undertaker!