Since the time, at least, when he could command the means to enjoy the
advantages of moving about the world as he pleased, he had considered
travelling simply as an hygienic precaution which must be complied with
now and then despite one's feelings and one's preferences. Too busy with
the tasks arranged for him by his interest in his own ego and in the
problems of Europe, too burdened with the onus of production, too little
prone to diversion, and in no sense an amateur of the varied amusements
of the great world, he had been thoroughly satisfied with such knowledge
of the earth's surface as any one can get without moving far out of his
own circle; and he had never even been tempted to leave Europe.
Especially now that his life was slowly on the decline, and that the
artist's fear of not having finished--this uneasiness lest the clock run
down before he had done his part and given himself completely--could no
longer be waived aside as a mere whim, he had confined his outer
existence almost exclusively to the beautiful city which had become his
home and to the rough country house which he had built in the mountains
and where he spent the rainy summers.
Further, this thing which had laid hold of him so belatedly, but with
such suddenness, was very readily moderated and adjusted by the force of
his reason and of a discipline which he had practised since youth. He
had intended carrying his life work forward to a certain point before
removing to the country. And the thought of knocking about the world for
months and neglecting his work during this time, seemed much too lax and
contrary to his plans; it really could not be considered seriously. Yet
he knew only too well what the reasons were for this unexpected
temptation. It was the urge to escape--he admitted to himself--this
yearning for the new and the remote, this appetite for freedom, for
unburdening, for forgetfulness; it was a pressure away from his work,
from the steady drudgery of a coldly passionate service. To be sure, he
loved this work and almost loved the enervating battle that was fought
daily between a proud tenacious will--so often tested--and this growing
weariness which no one was to suspect and which must not betray itself
in his productions by any sign of weakness or negligence. But it seemed
wise not to draw the bow overtightly, and not to strangle by sheer
obstinacy so strongly persistent an appetite. He thought of his work,
thought of the place at which yesterday and now again to-day he had been
forced to leave off, and which, it seemed, would yield neither to
patience and coaxing nor to a definite attack. He examined it again,
trying to break through or to circumvent the deadlock, but he gave up
with a shudder of repugnance. There was no unusual difficulty here; what
balked him were the scruples of aversion, which took the form of a
fastidious insatiability. Even as a young man this insatiability had
meant to him the very nature, the fullest essence, of talent; and for
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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