Bildungsromans; Germany -- Social conditions -- 1918-1933 -- Fiction; Young men -- Germany -- Fiction
In the intervals between lessons it struck me once or twice that a
boy who had never before attracted my notice was hovering about in
my proximity. It was a little, weak-looking, slim youngster with
reddish-blond thin hair, who had something peculiar in his look and
behavior. One evening as I came home he was on the watch for me in the
street. He let me pass by, then walked behind me; and remained standing
in front of the door of the house.
“Can I do anything for you?” I asked.
“I only want to speak to you,” he said timidly. “Be good enough to come
a few steps with me.”
I followed him, observing that he was deeply excited and full of
expectation. His hands trembled.
“Are you a Spiritualist?” he asked quite suddenly.
“No, Knauer,” I said, laughing. “Not a bit. How did you get hold of
that idea?”
“But you are a Theosophist?”
“No again.”
“Oh, please don’t be so reserved. I feel with absolute certitude there
is something singular about you. It is in your eyes. I thought it
certain you communed with spirits. I am not asking out of curiosity,
Sinclair, no! I am myself a seeker, you know, and I am so lonely.”
“Tell me, then!” I encouraged him. “I know absolutely nothing of
ghosts. I live in my dreams: that is what you have felt about me.
Other people live in dreams as well, but not in their own, that is the
difference.”
“Yes, perhaps so,” he whispered. “Only it depends on the sort of dreams
you live in. Have you ever heard of white magic?”
I had to admit my ignorance.
“It’s when you learn to get the mastery over yourself. You can be
immortal, and have magical powers as well. Have you never practised
such experiments?”
On my evincing curiosity with regard to those practices, he was
mysteriously silent, but when I turned to go he burst out in
explanation.
“For example, when I go to sleep or when I wish to concentrate my
thoughts I do such exercises. I think of something or other, a word
for instance, or a name, or a geometrical figure. Then I think it into
myself, as strongly as I can. I try to get it into my head, until I
feel it is there. Then I think it in my neck, and so on, until I am
quite full of it. Then my thoughts are concentrated and nothing more
can disturb my repose.”
I understood to a certain degree what he meant. Yet I felt he had
something else in his mind, he was oddly excited and hasty. I tried to
make the questions easy for him, and he soon gave me an indication of
what immediately concerned him.
“You are also continent?” he asked me anxiously.
“What do you mean by that? Do you mean it from the sex point of view?”
“Yes, yes. I have been continent for two years, since I knew of what I
have told you. Before that I practised a vice, you know what. You have
never been with a woman, then?”
“No,” I said. “I haven’t found the right one.”
“But if you should find her, the one you consider the right one, then
would you sleep with her?”
“Yes, naturally. If she had nothing against it,” I said with some scorn.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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