"YES. I TOLD HIM IT LAST NIGHT."] [Illustration: AT ALL EVENTS-- I'D RATHER-- LOSE MY SIDE THE MATCH-- BY COMMITTING THE BLUNDER-- OF MISSING A CATCH-- WHILE FIELDING FOR THEM-- THAN THAT-- I SHOULD-- WIN IT-- FOR THEM-- BY COMMITTING-- THE UNSPEAKABLE CRIME-- OF-- MISSING ONE-- WHILE FIELDING SUBSTITUTE FOR OUR OPPONENTS. CONSOLATION] [Illustration: _Fair Partner:_ "One always meets so many interesting people here that i get quite confused. Now tell me, which Mr. Jones are you?" _Jones:_ "Me? Oh, i'm only the Jones who's invited to brighten up a dull party."] [Illustration: A USE FOR MODERN ART] [Illustration] [Illustration: "HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I GET THE PLUMBER?" "PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT-- I'LL PUT IT RIGHT. JUST GET ME A SPANNER-- AND A HAMMER-- AND A LADDER-- AND SOME STRING-- AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO-- AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND-- AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE-- AND-- THE DOCTOR." THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF] [Illustration: _Tactful Shopwalker (to lady who seems to have got into the rough with her umbrella):_ "Excuse me, Madam, but would you not prefer to have them sent for you?"] [Illustration: SMITH, WITH SURPRISING GOOD FORTUNE, PICKED UP AN ALMOST INDUBITABLY GENUINE OLD SATSUMA BOWL FOR 7_s._ 6_d._ <sc>_Pipkin on Pottery_ (21_s._ NET) CONFIRMED HIS BELIEF. WHICH WAS FURTHER STRENGTHENED BY GRUBMANN'S _ORIENTAL PORCELAINS_ (£3 14_s._ 6_d._ WITH POSTAGE); WHILE MUTT'S _CERAMICS_ (15 VOLS. £20 CARRIAGE PAID) PUT THE MATTER PRACTICALLY BEYOND DOUBT. A VISIT TO THE VICTORIA AND ALBERT MUSEUM (TAXIS 7_s._), AND ANOTHER TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM (MORE TAXIS 9_s._ 6_d._; LUNCH 11_s._ 3_d._) INCREASED HIS CONVICTION; AND FINALLY HIS FRIEND HARDPASTE, THE EXPERT, WHOM HE ASKED TO DINNER (INCLUDING WINES AND CIGARS £4 18_s._ 6_d._) TO VIEW THE PIECE, SET THE SEAL ON HIS TRIUMPH BY DECLARING IT UNQUESTIONABLY AUTHENTIC AND WORTH (IN THE PROPER QUARTER, OF COURSE) QUITE DOUBLE WHAT HE GAVE FOR IT. THE BARGAIN] [Illustration: UNFORTUNATE OVERSIGHT ON THE PART OF A PRACTITIONER CALLED AWAY FROM HIS CHILDREN'S PARTY TO ATTEND A PATIENT IN HIS CONSULTING-ROOM.] [Illustration: "H'M, YES--I FEAR WE MUST KNOCK OFF TOBACCO." "CERTAINLY. I NEVER SMOKE." "AND ALCOHOL ALSO, I'M AFRAID." "BY ALL MEANS. I'M A TEETOTALER." "STRONG TEA AND COFFEE ARE EQUALLY POISONOUS, BEAR IN MIND." "RATHER. I NEVER TOUCH THEM." "NO SUGAR OR SWEET THINGS, REMEMBER!" "EXCELLENT! I DETEST 'EM." "A MEAT DIET STRICTLY FORBIDDEN!!" "SPLENDID. I'M A VEGETARIAN." "A COLD BATH EVERY MORNING!!!" "GLORIOUS. I ALWAYS HAVE ONE." "AND G-GO AWAY FOR A LONG BRACING CHANGE TO THE B-BLEAKEST PART OF THE EAST COAST...." "PRICELESS. WHY, MY DEAR OLD FELLOW-- "I LIVE THERE." CHECK!] _Printed in Great Britain by Jarrold & Sons, Ltd., Norwich, England._