At home it continued in him. Anna had gone to visit relatives in
Wisconsin. He spent an hour writing her a long amorous letter. He was in
love with Rachel, but a new notion had planted itself in him. Whatever
happened, Anna must not be made unhappy. Love was not a reality. Anna
and her happiness were the realities that must be carefully considered.
This thing that had popped into life in the cinder patch was a
mood--comparable to the mood of a thirsty man taking his first sip of
water.
" ... the memory of you comes before me," he scribbled to his wife, "and
I feel sad. I am incomplete without you. Dear one, I love you. The
streets seem empty and the hours drag...."
In writing to his wife he seemed to recover a sense of virtue. He smiled
as he sealed the envelope. "It must be an old instinct," he thought.
"People are kindest to those they deceive. Thus good and evil balance."
His father, sitting before a grate fire, desired to talk. He would talk
to him in circles that would irritate the old man and make his eyes
water more.
"People don't live," he began. "To live is to have a dream behind the
hours. To have the world offering something."
"Yes, my son. Something ..."
"Then the people outside one take on meaningful outlines. There comes a
contact. One is a part of something--of a force that moves the stars,
eh?"
The old man nodded, and mumbled in his beard. Dorn felt a warmth toward
his father. His stupidity delighted him. He would be able henceforth to
talk to the old man and say, "I love Rachel," and the old man would
think he was coining phrases for a profitless amusement. It would be the
same with Anna. He would be able to make love to Anna differently
hereafter. A rather cynical idea. He laughed and beamed at Isaac Dorn.
Did it matter much whom one kissed as long as one had a desire for
kissing? In fact, his desire for Rachel seemed at an end, now that he
had mentioned it to her. A handclasp, a silence trembling with emotion,
a sudden light in the heart--properly speaking, this was all there was
to love. The rest was undoubtedly a make-believe. As he walked out to
post the letter he tried to recall the emotions or ideas that had
inspired him to marry Anna. There had undoubtedly been something of the
sort then. But it had left no memory. Their honeymoon, of which she was
always speaking, even after seven years, with a mist in her eyes--good
Lord, had there been a honeymoon?
He spent the next afternoon with Rachel. A silence of familiarity had
fallen upon them. There was a totality in silence. Walking through the
streets beside her, Dorn mused, "Undoubtedly the thing is over. It
begins even to bore a bit." He noted curiously that he was unconscious
of the streets. No tracing their pictures with phrases. They were
streets, and that was an end of it. They belonged where they were.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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