Fanny and the Servant ProblemJerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
General
Fanny and the Servant Problem
Jerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
Comedy plays; English drama; Married people -- Drama
BENNET. The trouble can easily be ended.
FANNY. Yes. By my submitting to be ruled in all things for the
remainder of my life by my own servants.
BENNET. Say “relations,” and it need not sound so unpleasant.
FANNY. Yes, it would. It would sound worse. One can get rid of one’s
servants. [_She has crossed towards the desk_. _Her cheque-book lies
there half hidden under other papers_. _It catches her eye_. _Her hand
steals unconsciously towards it_. _She taps it idly with her fingers_.
_It is all the work of a moment_. _Nothing comes of it_. _Just the idea
passes through her brain—not for the first time_. _She does nothing
noticeable—merely stands listless while one might count half a dozen—then
turns to him again_.] Don’t you think you’re going it a bit too strong,
all of you? I’m not a fool. I’ve got a lot to learn, I know. I’d be
grateful for help. What you’re trying to do is to turn me into a new
woman entirely.
BENNET. Because that is the only _way_ to help you. Men do not put new
wine into old bottles.
FANNY. Oh, don’t begin quoting Scripture. I want to discuss the thing
sensibly. Don’t you see it can’t be done? I can’t be anybody else than
myself. I don’t want to.
BENNET. My girl, you’ve _got_ to be. Root and branch, inside and
outside, before you’re fit to be Lady Bantock, mother of the Lord
Bantocks that are to be, you’ve got to be a changed woman.
_A pause_.
FANNY. And it’s going to be your job, from beginning to end—yours and
the rest of you. What I wear and how I look is Jane’s affair. My
prayers will be for what Aunt Susannah thinks I stand in need of. What I
eat and drink and say and do _you_ will arrange for me. And when you
die, Cousin Simeon, I suppose, will take your place. And when Aunt
Susannah dies, it will merely be a change to Aunt Amelia. And if Jane
ever dies, Honoria will have the dressing and the lecturing of me. And
so on and so on, world without end, for ever and ever, Amen.
BENNET. Before that time, you will, I shall hope, have learnt sufficient
sense to be grateful to us. [_He goes out_.]
FANNY [_she turns—walks slowly back towards the tea-table_. _Halfway she
pauses_, _and leaning over the back of a chair regards in silence for a
while the portrait of the first Lady Bantock_]. I do wish I could tell
what you were saying.
_The door opens_. _The Misses Wetherell come in_. _They wear the same
frocks that they wore in the first act_. _They pause_. _Fanny is still
gazing at the portrait_.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Don’t you notice it, dear?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Yes. There really is.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It struck me the first day. [_To Fanny_, _who
has turned_] Your likeness, dear, to Lady Constance. It’s really quite
remarkable.
FANNY. You think so?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It’s your expression—when you are serious.
FANNY [_laughs_]. I must try to be more serious.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It will come, dear.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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