Fanny and the Servant ProblemJerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
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Fanny and the Servant Problem
Jerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
Comedy plays; English drama; Married people -- Drama
_Ernest_, _only too glad to be off_, _stumbles out_.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear—
FANNY. You’ll take some more tea, won’t you? Do you mind, Doctor,
passing Miss Wetherell’s cup? And the other one. Thank you. And will
you pass them the biscuits? You see, I am doing all I can on your
behalf. [_She is talking and laughing—a little hysterically—for the
purpose of filling time_.] Tea and hot cake—could anything be worse for
them?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, tea, you know—
FANNY. I know. [_Laughs_.] You doctors are all alike. You all
denounce it, but you all drink it. [_She hands him the two cups_.] That
one is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful hair; and the other is for
Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful eyes. [_Laughs_.] It’s the only way I
can distinguish them.
_Bennet enters_.
Oh, Bennet!
BENNET. You sent for me?
FANNY. Yes. I understand some ladies have called.
BENNET. I think your ladyship must have been misinformed. I most
certainly have seen none.
FANNY. I have to assume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you are
telling lies.
_A silence_.
BENNET. A party of over-dressed young women, claiming to be acquainted
with your ladyship, have arrived in a van. I am giving them tea in the
servants’ hall, and will see to it that they are sent back to the station
in ample time to catch their train back to town.
FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.
BENNET [_her very quietness is beginning to alarm him_. _It shakes him
from his customary perfection of manners_]. The Lady Bantocks do not as
a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.
FANNY [_still with her alarming quietness_]. Neither do they argue with
their servants. Please show these ladies in.
BENNET. I warn you—
FANNY. You heard my orders. [_Her tone has the right ring_. _The force
of habit is too strong upon him_. _He yields—savagely—and goes out_.
_She turns to the Doctor_.] So sorry I had to drag you into it. I
didn’t see how else I was going to floor him.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [_He grips her hand_.]
FANNY [_she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified_.] They
won’t be here for more than a few minutes—they can’t be. I want you to
be nice to them—both of you. They are friends of mine. [_She turns to
the Doctor_.] They’re the girls I used to act with. We went all over
Europe—twelve of us—representing the British Empire. They are playing in
London now.
DR. FREEMANTLE. To-night? [_He looks at his watch_.]
FANNY [_she is busy at the tea-table_]. Yes. They are on the stage at
half past nine. You might look out their train for them. [_She points
to the Bradshaw on the desk_.] I don’t suppose they’ve ever thought
about how they’re going to get back. It’s Judy’s inspiration, this, the
whole thing; I’d bet upon it. [_With a laugh_.] She always was as mad
as a March hare.
DR. FREEMANTLE [_busy with the Bradshaw_]. They were nice-looking girls.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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