Fanny and the Servant ProblemJerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
General
Fanny and the Servant Problem
Jerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
Comedy plays; English drama; Married people -- Drama
FANNY [_her business is—and has been—to move quietly through the throng_,
_making the girls welcome_, _talking_, _laughing with them_, _directing
the servants—all in a lady’s way_. _On the whole she does it remarkably
well_. _She is offering a plate of fruit to Judy_]. You’re a nice
acting manager, you are. [_Judy laughs_. _Fanny finds herself in front
of Ireland_. _She turns to England_.] Won’t you introduce us?
ENGLAND. I beg your pardon, dear. Of course, you don’t know each other.
Miss Tetsworth, our new Ireland, Lady Bantock. It is “Bantock,” isn’t
it, dear?
FANNY. Quite right. It’s a good little part, isn’t it?
IRELAND. Well, depends upon what you’ve been used to.
ENGLAND. She’s got talent, as I tell ’er. But she ain’t you, dear.
It’s no good saying she is.
FANNY [_hastening to smooth it over_]. People always speak so well of us
after we’re gone. [_Laughs_.] You’ll take another glass of champagne.
IRELAND. Thank you—you made a great success, they tell me, in the part.
FANNY. Oh, there’s a deal of fluke about these things. You see, I had
the advantage—
DR. FREEMANTLE [_with watch still in his hand_]. I _think_, ladies—
ENGLAND. Come on, girls.
_A general movement_.
FANNY. You must all come again—spend a whole day—some Sunday.
CANADA. Remember me to Vernon.
FANNY. He’ll be so sorry to have—
ENGLAND [_cutting in_]. ’Ope we ’aven’t upset you, dear. [_She is
bustling them all up_.]
FANNY. Not at all. [_She is kissing the girls_.] It’s been so good to
see you all again.
ENGLAND. ’Urry up, girls, there’s dears. [_To Fanny_] Good-bye, dear.
[_Kissing her_.] We _do_ miss yer.
FANNY. I’m glad you do.
ENGLAND. Oh, it ain’t the same show. [_The others are crowding out of
the door_. _She and Fanny are quite apart_.] No chance of your coming
back to it, I suppose? [_A moment_.] Well, there, you never know, do
yer? Good-bye, dear. [_Kisses her again_.]
FANNY. Good-bye! [_She stands watching them out_. _Bennet goes down
with them_. _Ernest is busy collecting debris_. _Jane and Honoria stand
one each side of the table_, _rigid_, _with set faces_. _After a moment
Fanny goes to the open window_. _The voices of the girls below_,
_crowding into the van_, _come up into the room_. _She calls down to
them_.] Good-bye. You’ve plenty of time. What? Yes, of course.
[_Laughs_.] All right. Good-bye. [_She turns_, _comes slowly back_.
_She looks at Jane and Honoria_, _where they stand rigid_. _Honoria
makes a movement with her shoulders—takes a step towards the door_.]
Honoria! [_Honoria stops—slowly turns_.] You can take away these
glasses. Jane will help you.
_Bennet has reappeared_.
HONORIA. It’s not my place—
FANNY. Your place is to obey my orders.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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