No, of course not. I am only saying that you can safely trust me, for not only does the statute book and its penalties rather tend to bore me, but murder itself has always had a certain fascination for me. I write delicate and fastidious lyrics, yet, strange as it may appear, I read every murder trial, and my sympathies are always with the prisoner. CALLER But I tell you I am not a murderer. POET Then what have you done? CALLER I have quarrelled with a lady in that house and have sworn to join the Bosnians and die in Africa. POET But this is beautiful. CALLER Unfortunately I forgot my hat. POET You go to die for a hopeless love, and in a far country; it was the wont of the troubadours. CALLER But you will get my hat for me? POET That I will gladly do for you. But we must find an adequate reason for entering the house. CALLER You pretend to tune the piano. POET That, unfortunately, is impossible. The sound of a piano being unskilfully handled is to me what the continual drop of cold water on the same part of the head is said to be in countries where that interesting torture is practised. There is-- CALLER But what are we to do? POET There is a house where kind friends of mine have given me that security and comfort that are a poet's necessity. But there was a governess there and a piano. It is years and years since I was able even to see the faces of those friends without an inward shudder. CALLER Well, we'll have to think of something else. POET You are bringing back to these unhappy days the romance of an age of which the ballads tell us that kings sometimes fought in no other armor than their lady's nightshirt. CALLER Yes, but you know first of all I must get my _hat_. POET But why? CALLER I cannot possibly be seen in the streets without a hat. POET Why not? CALLER It can't be done. POET But you confuse externals with essentials. CALLER I don't know what you call essentials, but being decently dressed in London seems pretty essential to me. POET A hat is not one of the essential things of life. CALLER I don't want to appear rude, but my hat isn't quite like yours. POET Let us sit down and talk of things that matter, things that will be remembered after a hundred years. (_They sit_) Regarded in this light one sees at once the triviality of hats. But to die, and die beautifully for a hopeless love, that is a thing one could make a lyric about. That is the test of essential things--try and imagine them in a lyric. One could not write a lyric about a hat. CALLER I don't care whether you could write a lyric about my hat or whether you couldn't. All I know is that I am not going to make myself absolutely ridiculous by walking about in London without a hat. Will you get it for me or will you not? POET To take any part in the tuning of a piano is impossible to me. CALLER Well, pretend you've come to look at the radiator. They have one under the window, and I happen to know it leaks. POET