"Don't you love me?" the young man whispered. The lameness of his voice
would ordinarily have made her smile. But now the words seemed to draw
her. She wanted to answer them, to say, "yes." For the moment it seemed
as if she must confess she loved this impossible young man. She walked
quickly out of the dark hallway. In the lighted room she was ashamed of
herself. Her body tingled with unaccountable pains. She managed to
survive the evening without revealing herself. She was grateful for the
youth's stupidity.
When she lay in bed she closed her eyes firmly and tried to sleep. But
her body disturbed her. Sensations that lured and frightened played
furtively throughout it. She lay stretching and sighing. Later, overcome
with a nervous weariness, she fell asleep.
On awaking she remembered her triumph and felt proud. In retrospect the
sensations she had felt and the temptations that had urged her seemed
distasteful.
Years before she had rationalized her behavior toward young men by
inventing a code. The code was based on the fact that hugging and
kissing and the pleasure these inspired were in no way connected with
"the other." When she thought of more intimate relations it was always
in some such phrase. She was completely ignorant of the physiological
mechanics of marriage. But her ignorance inspired no curiosity. She did
not think of it as a logical culmination of the feeling embraces gave
her. She had a definite attitude toward "the other." It was a thing
separated from her numerous experiences by a gulf. There was only one
bridge across--marriage.
Keegan interested her. Since the incident of the embarrassed young man
with whom she had made candy in the kitchen, she had been secretly on
the lookout for someone like him. She wanted someone with whom she could
repeat the startling experience of that other evening without letting
herself into danger. Someone who would remain oblivious to the passion
his caresses aroused and so allow her to enjoy slyly the sensations
whose memory had never left her.
She looked around the room. Doris had gone upstairs and George was not
to be seen. Her mother was reading behind a large table.
"Tell me, why are men bad?" she asked in a whisper. Her blue eyes were
wide. An air of altruistic sorrow surrounded her. She grieved for men.
The question appealed to Keegan. His eyes grew moist. He was unable to
understand this impulse to weep. But somehow it was pleasant.
"They're not bad," he answered softly. "It's only that they don't
realize till too late. If all women were like you, there would be no bad
men."
"Oh, then it's the woman's fault?"
Keegan nodded but said, "Not exactly. It's like figuring which came
first into the world, the egg or the chicken that laid it. It's hard
telling whether women are bad because men have made them so or whether
men are bad because women give them chances to be. That is, that kind of
women, you know."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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