He felt elated at his tolerance. A few minutes ago he had been
denouncing bad women in his mind. But now it pleased him to be broader.
Fanny was looking at him with cheeks flushed. Her mother had risen.
"I think I'll go to church," Mrs. Basine said. "Do you want to come
along."
"Not today, mother dear," Fanny answered. Keegan was on his feet.
"If you want to," he offered gallantly to the girl.
"I usually love to," Fanny sighed. "But I don't feel quite like it
today. You go along, mother."
Mrs. Basine smiled and left the room. Fanny heard her brother talking
in the hall.... "I think I'll go with you, mother." She listened to
Keegan in silence, waiting for the outer door to close. Now they were
alone except for Doris, upstairs.
"I know how you must feel about it," she said. "But I don't understand
how a man like you or George can do such things. It must be awful." She
paused, blushing and added in a whisper, "Horrible!"
Keegan nodded and felt overcome as he watched her shudder and draw her
shoulders nervously together. He covered his face with his hands. This
was, he felt, being almost too dramatic--to hide his face. But his
virtue demanded dramatics. He wanted to talk facts now, confess facts.
By denouncing what he had done during the night he would increase his
present emotion of chastity.
"Don't," he said, "lets talk of it."
His eyes grew wet again. He was tired. If only life were as clean as
this girl he was talking to.... If only life were beautiful and chaste.
And there were no sex. No sin. Men and women just sweet friends. But
life was different. It was full of unclean things. He couldn't help it,
what he did. He didn't want to do it. But life surrounded him that way
with things unclean. He wept.
Fanny hesitated. Her face had grown colored and her nerves were alive.
She must do something. Her fingers desired to caress Keegan's hair and
she thought how nice it would be to be kissed by him. But she resolutely
barred further thoughts from her mind. It was wrong to think about such
things. Fanny's code would allow her to do nothing wrong--if she knew
it. She leaned forward impulsively. He was sitting on a window seat.
Her hands touched his covered face.
"You mustn't," she said.
He was sorry for life, for its uncleanliness. He would like to go
somewhere far away where clean clouds and a beautiful sea were just as
God had made them. And there he would like to sit with this girl, their
hearts beautifully sad.
She stroked his hair shyly with maternal fingers. He felt the caress and
his heart melted. Its sin poured out leaving him exaltedly cleansed.
Yes, she understood him, the ache of repentance in his soul, the
nostalgia for cleanliness that hurt him so. She understood and she was
telling him so with her fingers.
"Poor boy," she whispered because he was weeping. "I'm so sorry. You
won't, again? Ever? Will you?"
"No," Keegan mumbled tremulously.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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