Fanny continued to smile at the novelist. Keegan bored her. They had
been walking together and she had lost interest in the sensual game she
had been playing with him. Alone, she might have tried to repeat the
experience of the morning with Keegan. But her physical curiosity
partially gratified for the moment by the surreptitious excitement she
had derived from him, her interest transferred itself to Aubrey.
The man amused and impressed her. Her thought separated him into two
people. She resented his persistent dignity. Her perceptions, sharpened
by the practical sensuality of her nature, saw through the little ruses
by which Aubrey converted his slight deformities into a dignified whole.
As she listened to him she said to herself, "... he thinks it's smart to
wear a ribbon on his glasses ... he sticks his chest out ... he's got
skinny arms ... he looks funny...."
After a half hour she lost her resentment and the thing that had
inspired it came to amuse her. She could see through his funny manner so
it didn't anger her. But although now she smiled with amusement at the
man's impressiveness, a feeling of awe penetrated her. Aubrey was a
great man. People spoke his name everywhere. He was known.
A delicious tremble passed through her. She was careful not to translate
it into words. Had she inspected the tremble and its causes, it would
have outraged her. She was content always to accept her emotions blindly
for fear of having to forego them if she knew their causes. She kept
herself intact in her own mind as a good girl not by belligerently
repressing her impulses but by enjoying them secretly outside her mind.
She had thought of Aubrey as a great man and with it had come the inner
impulse to be embraced passionately by him. Not because he was Aubrey,
but because he was the famous Aubrey Gilchrist, whose name was known. To
be embraced by a famous man would be like being embraced somehow by all
the people who knew his name. She would be able to think while
satisfying her desire, "Everybody knows him. They know all about him.
It's almost as if they knew he was doing this ... I was doing this."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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