Lady (interrupting him):—“Sir, that gentleman—is my father!” Force of Habit A lawyer was speaking at the grave of a colleague. No eye had remained dry, until, putting down a wreath, the orator closed with great pathos, saying: “Rest in peace, dear friend ... and you, gentlemen of the jury, preserve ever a pleasant memory of the accused!” At the Mercy of the Court Waiter:—“What do you wish me to order for your dinner, sir?” Attorney (pointing to the kitchen):—“I leave that to the mercy of the court!” His First Attempt “To-morrow I am going to hand my first attempt at a drama to the manager of our theatre.” “Friend, as a lawyer, you ought to know that even an attempt at crime is punishable.” Difference of Statement “Is it true that you said the man Meier here, had stolen your pocketbook?” “I didn’t say that, Squire; I only stated, that if Meier had not helped me to look for it, I should have found it again.” On Time Clerk of the Court (to countryman):—“What do you want here so early? There is nobody here yet, but myself! Before eight o’clock no business is accepted. Don’t you see that it is still two whole minutes of eight? In two minutes you will find me in!” Doubtful Presents Rogue:—“Doctor, you got me free. I must show my gratitude. Take this watch.” Counsel:—“No, no; you are a poor devil. Where did you get the watch?” Rogue:—“Why, it’s the one I stole.” Unstable Evidence Detective (looking for evidence at the spot where a murder had been committed):—“The footprint in this anthill is of the utmost importance. It might—most probably it will—lead to the discovery of the murderer. Constable, hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a shovel, and shovel this highly important footprint into it. We will take it back with us!” Willing to Show Him Judge:—“It is utterly incomprehensible to me how you could kill the man with one blow of your bare fist!” Accused:—“Shall I show you how I did it?” He Understood Magistrate:—“You complain that your neighbor struck you during a quarrel?” Washerwoman:—“Yes, your Honor, he struck me several times with his cane on—on—” Magistrate:—“Never mind; sit down on the missing word.” Importance of Being Precise Squire:—“You are a carpenter, are you not?” “Yes, sir.” “You were working near the place where the row occurred?” “Yes, sir.” “How far away were you?” “Thirty-six and a half feet.” “How can you tell so exact?” “’Cause I measured it. I thought right away, some fool from court would ask me about it.” Objected to Income Tax Magistrate:—“You are accused of loafing; why don’t you work?” Loafer:—“Because then I would have to pay an income tax.” A Witness Against His Will Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a man by the door to step up.) Judge:—“What is your name?” Peter:—“Peter Lerch.” Judge:—“How old are you?” Peter:—“I don’t think that’s necessary to tell.” Judge (severely):—“Will you tell me at once, how old you are?”