The Poet’s Wife (angrily):—“He is forever writing his poetry on his cuffs! Now he is hunting in the wash-boiler, for the fourth verse of his last poem.” His Love for Lilacs “My wife is attention personified! Some time ago I happened to mention that I loved all lilacs—and what do you suppose I saw, when my birthday came around?” “Well—a beautiful bouquet of lilacs on the table.” “No, sir! My wife, in a new lilac dress!” His Mistake Herr Schanz, of Berlin, came to W. on a pleasure trip. He stopped at the hotel “Krone,” and was given a room on the third floor. That night he started for home feeling a little muddled. He lost his way, and strayed into the hotel “Kronprince” on the same street, which was only two stories high. When he reached the second floor and saw the roof above him, he shook his heavy head incredulously, and shouted down the stairs, “Say, porter, what kind of a monkey-shine is this? What’s become of that third story?” Popularity—A Fable “You need not be so proud of your flowers,” said the thorns to the rose-bush. “It is to us you owe the greater part of your popularity!” Asked Too Much “What! your parents wish to force you to marry that old banker!” “Indeed they do, and what is more, they want me to study medicine, as he is always ailing!” A Reliable Guide “Good gracious, fellow, did I not order you to burn all my old love-letters, and here I find them bound on your table?” “Please excuse me, Captain, but my cook always wanted a guide for love-letters, and so I thought yours would do nicely!” An Adjustment of Accounts Host (to a stranger who is settling his account):—“I am two marks short of your change. Let me look at the account again, perhaps I can think of something else to put down!” Claims to Greatness A:—“Who is the gentleman, to whom you were speaking a while ago?” B:—“Ah, that’s a great man! He is one of the ten-thousand foremost writers of our day!” Caught Gentleman (in a cigar store):—“Can you recommend that brand of cigars, ‘Ne plus Ultra’ with a good conscience.” Dealer:—“Certainly, sir; they are absolutely perfect and remarkably cheap.” Gentleman (smilingly lighting one of them):—“I am very glad to hear you say so—all the more, since you wrote to me, that they were not fit to smoke, and not worth half the money I charged you for them. I am the manufacturer!” A Shopping Aid “The best thing for us to do, my dear Edward, will be to get an automobile. If we ride up to the dry-goods store in one of these, we can get enough goods on credit, so that we can live well by simply pawning them.” The Very Latest “Since your future husband is so devoted to all kinds of sports, I suppose you will make your wedding trip in a balloon?” “Why no, that is out of date,—in a submarine vessel.” A Select Neighborhood “The people living in our part of the city are of that class who can pawn their automobiles during the carnival season.” Tricks of Fate