PATIOMKIN. In real life, darling, all facts are unpleasant. [Greatly pleased with himself.] Another epigram! Where is my accursed chancellor? these gems should be written down and recorded for posterity. [He rushes to the table: sits down: and snatches up a pen. Then, recollecting himself.] But I have not asked you to sit down. [He rises and goes to the other chair.] I am a savage: a barbarian. [He throws the shirt and coat over the table on to the floor and puts his sword on the table.] Be seated, Captain. EDSTASTON Thank you. They bow to one another ceremoniously. Patiomkin's tendency to grotesque exaggeration costs him his balance; he nearly falls over Edstaston, who rescues him and takes the proffered chair. PATIOMKIN [resuming his seat]. By the way, what was the piece of advice I was going to give you? EDSTASTON. As you did not give it, I don't know. Allow me to add that I have not asked for your advice. PATIOMKIN. I give it to you unasked, delightful Englishman. I remember it now. It was this. Don't try to become Tsar of Russia. EDSTASTON [in astonishment]. I haven't the slightest intention-- PATIOMKIN. Not now; but you will have: take my words for it. It will strike you as a splendid idea to have conscientious scruples--to desire the blessing of the Church on your union with Catherine. EDSTASTON [racing in utter amazement]. My union with Catherine! You're mad. PATIOMKIN [unmoved]. The day you hint at such a thing will be the day of your downfall. Besides, it is not lucky to be Catherine's husband. You know what happened to Peter? EDSTASTON [shortly; sitting down again]. I do not wish to discuss it. PATIOMKIN. You think she murdered him? EDSTASTON. I know that people have said so. PATIOMKIN [thunderously; springing to his feet]. It is a lie: Orloff murdered him. [Subsiding a little.] He also knocked my eye out; but [sitting down placidly] I succeeded him for all that. And [patting Edstaston's hand very affectionately] I'm sorry to say, darling, that if you become Tsar, I shall murder you. EDSTASTON [ironically returning the caress]. Thank you. The occasion will not arise. [Rising.] I have the honor to wish your Highness good morning. PATIOMKIN [jumping up and stopping him on his way to the door]. Tut tut! I'm going to take you to the Empress now, this very instant. EDSTASTON. In these boots? Impossible! I must change. PATIOMKIN. Nonsense! You shall come just as you are. You shall show her your calves later on. EDSTASTON. But it will take me only half an hour to--