those whose chief anxiety was to save their souls, and who thus ran the
great risk set forth by the Saviour of losing them. They treated the
words of the Bible like talismans or spells, the virtue of which lay in
the words, and in the assent given to them, or at most, the feelings
that could be conjured up by them, not in the doing of the things they
presupposed or commanded. But there was one thing that did something
to keep her fresh and prevent her from withering into a dry tree of
supposed orthodoxy, the worst dryness of all, because it is the least
likely to yield to any fresh burst of living sap from the forgotten
root--that was her anxiety to get her son within the "garden walled
around," and the continual disappointment of her efforts to that end.
But now that the shock of his flight had aggravated all the symptoms
of her complaint, which was a serious one though slow in the movement
of its progressive cycles, now that she was confined to her bed and
deprived of the small affairs that constituted the dull excitements
of her joyless life, her imagination, roused by a reaction from the
first grief, continually presented to her the form of her darling in
the guise of the prodigal, his handsome face worn with hunger and
wretchedness, or still worse, with dissipation and disease; and she
began to accuse herself bitterly for having alienated his affections
from herself by too assiduously forcing upon his attention that which
was distasteful to him. She said to herself that it was easy for an old
woman like her, who had been disappointed in everything, and whose
life and health were a wreck, to turn from the vanities of the world;
but how could her young Thomas, in the glory of youth, be expected to
see things as she saw them? How could he flee from the wrath to come
when he had as yet felt no breath of that wrath on his cheek? She ought
to have loved him, and borne with him, and smiled upon him, and never
let him fancy that his presence was a pain to her because he could not
take her ways for his. Add to this certain suspicions that arose in
her mind from what she considered unfriendly neglect on the part of
the chief man of their chosen brotherhood, and from the fact that her
daughter Amy had already wrought a questionable change on Mr. Simon,
having persuaded him to accompany her--not to the theatre at all--only
to the Gallery of Illustration, and it will be seen that everything
tended to turn the waters of her heart back into the old channel with
the flow of a spring-tide toward her son. She wept and prayed--better
tears and better prayers because her love was stronger. She humbled her
heart, proud of its acceptance with God, before a higher idea of that
God. She began to doubt whether she was more acceptable in his sight
than other people. There must be some who were, but she could not be
one of them. Instead of striving after assurance, as they called it,
she began to shrink from every feeling that lessened her humility;
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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