I PITY you with all my heart! Your ladies play so mean a part, As now-a-days old clothes to barter For china, trinkets, scented water, Or use them up for chairs and screens, Less'ning an honest servant's means; Besides yet shabbier plans than these, The prevalence of locks and keys! Making you live, all hugger-mugger, On bohea slops and coarse brown sugar. There's yet another 'plaguy way,' With ladies of the present day, Of lessening your hilarity-- By 'giving way' to charity! To make it up there's ways for certain,-- Not that I'd peep behind the curtain. Perchance your Lord, if in his hey-day, May like you better than his Lady, Though she's an angel,--vastly stupid! But that's a freak of Master Cupid, (To whom, of course, you constant pray, And offer vows both night and day). He makes too free in hapless hour, And from that moment's in your power. To keep your countenance endeavour, Lift up your hands, cry "Well, I never! In all my life knew such assurance; This cruelty is past endurance." Swear that you'd neither bring disgrace Upon a poor, but virtuous race, "Nor have an 'impetation' hurl'd 'Aginst' your honour, for the world!" Then see that ready cash enhances What he may choose to call 'advances.' Five guineas for the least gradation That leads to aught like adoration; And have at least a hundred down For 'little journeys out of town!' And don't, without loud indignation, Be 'throw'd in such a flusteration;' Make him fork out, or (ruthless lingo), You'll "tell your Lady,--yes, by jingo!" In such a family, if handsome, Some one will offer for your ransom; If stricken deep, the effects will show forth In Chaplain, Steward, Gent, and so forth. If from my Lord you've apprehension Of what you can't genteelly mention,-- You must consider, with all def'rence, To which of 'em to give the pref'rence: My Lord's own gentleman, we'll say, You've sense enough to keep at bay, Because you stand of sin in fear, And think him also insincere. Only one caution, and I've done; Beware of--my Lord's eldest son! You may, if you've sufficient gnous, Be future Lady of his house; But if a common rake, then shun him, Or you'll regret you either won him, Or thought him worth the least attention, Entailing ills too bad to mention! But whilst I feel this anxious strife About your settling well in life, Still let us both remember, that of Some other things we ought to chat of. Perchance some morn your Lady's ill, And should be kept exceeding still; Yet footmen call from friends of wealth, To make inquiries of her health. Go bolt up stairs; if not awake, Give her at least a gentle shake: If she's offended, blame her blindness To such a Lord or Lady's kindness;