the lock, which would not close securely, and there was some question
at first whether they were not ghosts. I thought of tying the door-knob
on the inside of my room to my bedpost (a bedpost that has not been
in existence for fifty years), but after suffering awhile I decided
to speak to them from an upper window. By this time they had turned
into a trio of harmless, necessary tramps, and at my appeal to them,
absolutely nonsensical as I now believe it to have been, to regard the
peculiar circumstances, whatever they were or were not, they did really
get up from the back porch where they were seated and go quietly away.
Burglars are not always so easily to be entreated. On one occasion,
when I found a party of them digging at the corner of my house on
Concord Avenue in Cambridge, and opened the window over them to
expostulate, the leader looked up at me in well-affected surprise. He
lifted his hand, with a twenty-dollar note in it, toward me, and said:
“Oh! Can you change me a twenty-dollar bill?” I expressed a polite
regret that I had not so much money about me, and then he said to the
rest, “Go ahead, boys,” and they went on undermining my house. I do not
know what came of it all.
Of ghosts I have seldom dreamed, so far as I can remember; in fact,
I have never dreamed of the kind of ghosts that we are all more or
less afraid of, though I have dreamed rather often of the spirits of
departed friends. But I once dreamed of dying, and the reader, who has
never died yet, may be interested to know what it is like. According to
this experience of mine, which I do not claim is typical, it is like
a fire kindling in an air-tight stove with paper and shavings; the
gathering smoke and gases suddenly burst into flame, and puff the door
out, and all is over.
I have not yet been led to execution for the many crimes I have
committed in my dreams, but I was once in the hands of a barber, who
added to the shaving and shampooing business the art of removing his
customers’ heads in treatment for headache. As I took my seat in his
chair I had some lingering doubts as to the effect of a treatment so
drastic, and I ventured to mention the case of a friend of mine, a
gentleman somewhat eminent in the law, who after several weeks was
still going about without his head. The barber did not attempt to
refute my position. He merely said, “Oh, well, he had such a very thick
sort of a head, anyway.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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