a personal hostility provoked by the lightest signs, by their accidents
of tone and manner, by the particular kind of relation she always
happened instantly to feel.
There were impulses of various kinds, alternately soft and severe, to
which she was constitutionally accessible and which were determined by
the smallest accidents. She was rigid in general on the article of
making the public itself affix its stamps, and found a special
enjoyment in dealing to that end with some of the ladies who were too
grand to touch them. She had thus a play of refinement and subtlety
greater, she flattered herself, than any of which she could be made the
subject; and though most people were too stupid to be conscious of this
it brought her endless small consolations and revenges. She recognised
quite as much those of her sex whom she would have liked to help, to
warn, to rescue, to see more of; and that alternative as well operated
exactly through the hazard of personal sympathy, her vision for silver
threads and moonbeams and her gift for keeping the clues and finding
her way in the tangle. The moonbeams and silver threads presented at
moments all the vision of what poor _she_ might have made of happiness.
Blurred and blank as the whole thing often inevitably, or mercifully,
became, she could still, through crevices and crannies, be stupefied,
especially by what, in spite of all seasoning, touched the sorest place
in her consciousness, the revelation of the golden shower flying about
without a gleam of gold for herself. It remained prodigious to the end,
the money her fine friends were able to spend to get still more, or
even to complain to fine friends of their own that they were in want.
The pleasures they proposed were equalled only by those they declined,
and they made their appointments often so expensively that she was left
wondering at the nature of the delights to which the mere approaches
were so paved with shillings. She quivered on occasion into the
perception of this and that one whom she would on the chance have just
simply liked to _be_. Her conceit, her baffled vanity, was possibly
monstrous; she certainly often threw herself into a defiant conviction
that she would have done the whole thing much better. But her greatest
comfort, mostly, was her comparative vision of the men; by whom I mean
the unmistakeable gentlemen, for she had no interest in the spurious or
the shabby and no mercy at all for the poor. She could have found a
sixpence, outside, for an appearance of want; but her fancy, in some
directions so alert, had never a throb of response for any sign of the
sordid. The men she did track, moreover, she tracked mainly in one
relation, the relation as to which the cage convinced her, she
believed, more than anything else could have done, that it was quite
the most diffused.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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