_Dennis._ 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old cheeks, like buttermilk. _Dan._ Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood by crying. _Dennis._ Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up----what's that? a customer! _Dan._ [_Looking out._] Na, a donkey. _Dennis._ Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I carried arms. _Dan._ Waunds! what, a musket? _Dennis._ No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England: till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire. _Dan._ What, poticary's stuff? _Dennis._ I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an assistant. _Dan._ Were you indeed! _Dennis._ But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave him something, and parted. _Dan._ And what didst thee give him, pray? _Dennis._ I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his honeymoon.--Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery. _Dan._ He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money? _Dennis._ Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague. _Dan._ Why, that be this very house. _Dennis._ Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; took a sarvingman---- _Dan._ That's I.--I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired me. _Dennis._ And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer since I have been a publican. _Dan._ See!--See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!--and a coming this road. _Dennis._ Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow. _Dan._ I will--Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie. _Dennis._ And harkye:--say there's an accomplish'd landlord. _Dan._ Ees--and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that. _Dennis._ And, Dan;--sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that has sour'd all the beer, you know. _Dan._ What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant un! [_Exit._ _Dennis._ Wife!--I must tell her the joyful news--Mrs. Brulgruddery! my dear!--Devil choak my dear!--she's as deaf as a trunk-maker--Mrs. Brulgruddery! _Enter MRS. BRULGRUDDERY._