A. When he lists, he thinks he is free of his mother’s correction, the hard usage of a bad master, his liberty to curse, swear, whore, and do every thing, until he be convinced by four halberts and the drummer’s whip, that he has now got both a civil and military law above his head, and, perhaps, far worse masters than ever. Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride? A. As he is the teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes no man knows what he knows; and because boys call him master, therefore he thinks himself a great man. Q. What song is it that is sung without a tongue, and yet its notes are understood by people of all nations? A. It is a fart every one knows the sound of. Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed and airy, and not so obedient as the children of former years? A. Because they are brought up and educated after a more haughty strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel books, such as the Psalm-book, Proverbs, and Catechisms, are like old almanacks; there is nothing in vogue but fiddle, flute, Troy and Babylonish tunes; our plain English speech is corrupted with beauish cants, such as dont, wont, nen, and ken; a jargon worse than the Yorkshire dialect or the Hottentot gibberish. Q. Why is swearing become so common among Scotch people? A. Because so many lofty teachers came from the south amongst us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection! Hot oaths, new struck, hath as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea just come from the mint. Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a dyke, amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses lying in the same place? A. Because it is made of wood. Q. What are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused? A. A soldier’s coat and a hired horse. Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman? A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him. Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat? A. Because it is a bad habit. Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man? A. Because it wants mending. Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about? A. Because it is often toll’d. Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot swim? A. He is like to be drowned. Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot? A. Because it is out of one’s head. Q. Why is a book like a tree? A. Because it is full of leaves. Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding? A. Because there is reasons in it. Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person? A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread. Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious woman? A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling. Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world? A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable livelihood. Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain? A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.