_Footman._ "MATTER ENUFF! HERE'S THE MARCHIONESS BIN AN GIV ME NOTICE BECAUSE I DON'T MATCH JOSEPH,--AND I MUST GO, UNLESS I CAN GET MY FAT DOWN IN A WEEK!"] [Illustration: _BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS._ _First._ "WUT TAK THY QUOAT OFF, THEN! OI TELL THEE OI'M AS GOOD A MON AS THEE!" _Second._ "THEE A MON! WHOY THEE BE'EST ONLY WALKING ABOUT TO SAVE THY FUNERAL EXPENSES!"] [Illustration: _ANOTHER BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS._ _First Polite Native._ "WHO'S 'IM, BILL?" _Second Ditto._ "A STRANGER!" _First Ditto._ "'EAVE 'ARF A BRICK AT 'IM."] [Illustration: _UP TO WEIGHT._ _Stout Party._ "AHEM! I WANT TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE HOUNDS TO-MORROW! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE GOT ANYTHING THAT WOULD CARRY ME?" _Stable Keeper._ "WELL, SIR! I THINK I HAVE TWO BROWN 'OSSES--AND A OMNIBUS, AS PERHAPS MIGHT DO IT!"] [Illustration: _WHY, INDEED?_ _Perceptive Child._ "MAMMA, DEAR! WHY DO THOSE GENTLEMEN DRESS THEMSELVES LIKE THE FUNNY LITTLE MEN IN MY NOAH'S ARK?"] [Illustration: _VERY CONSIDERATE._ _Affable Little Gentleman._ "DEAR, OH DEAR! HOW IT RAINS! I'M AFRAID YOU'LL GET VERY WET--CAN I OFFER YOU A GREAT COAT OR ANYTHING?"] [Illustration: _CHANGING THE SUBJECT._ _Old Gentleman._ "WELL, WALTER, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE GOT INTO LATIN AND GREEK AT SCHOOL BY THIS TIME, EH?" _Juvenile._ "OH, YES, SIR. I HAVE JUST FINISHED XENOPHON AND THUCYDIDES, AND AM NOW IN EURIPIDES. BY THE WAY, SIR, HOW WOULD YOU RENDER THE PASSAGE BEGINNING [Greek: kakôs pepraktai pantachê]?" _Old Gentleman._ "AHEM! HEY?--WHAT?--AHEM! HERE, RUGGLES, BRING ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CLARET, AND--EH? WHAT? WALTER, I THINK YOU HAD BETTER JOIN THE LADIES."] [Illustration: _MEETING HIM HALF WAY._ _Young Hopeful._ "WELL, IT'S OF NO USE, GOVERNOR; I CAN'T STICK TO BUSINESS. I WANT TO BE A SOLDIER, AND YOU MUST BUY ME A COMMISSION." _Governor._ "NO, MY BOY, I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY YOU A COMMISSION, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I _WILL_ DO; IF YOU WILL GO DOWN TO CHATHAM AND ENLIST, I WILL GIVE YOU MY WORD OF HONOUR I WON'T BUY YOU OFF!"] [Illustration: _MEN OF THE WORLD._ _First Man of the World._ "HEARD OF MISS F----'s MARRIAGE, CHARLEY?" _Second Do._ "AH! I HEARD IT SPOKEN OF. I BELIEVE IT WAS A MARRIAGE OF INCLINATION ON BOTH SIDES?" _First Do._ "YES! IT WAS A BAD JOB. THOSE MATCHES NEVER TURN OUT WELL!"] [Illustration: _PATERFAMILIAS MAKES HIMSELF INDEPENDENT OF HOTELS._] [Illustration: _THE BRITON ABROAD._ DID YOU EVER SEE TWO STRANGE ENGLISHMEN BREAKFASTING AT A TABLE D'HOTE ABROAD? WELL! ISN'T IT A CHEERFUL THING?] [Illustration: _THE GARRET AND THE CONSERVATORY._ _Genteel Pluralist._ "WHAT THE PEOPLE CAN WANT WITH A CRYSTAL PALACE ON SUNDAYS, I CAN'T THINK! SURELY THEY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED WITH THEIR CHURCH AND THEIR HOME AFTERWARDS."] [Illustration: _A THOROUGH GOOD COOK_ _Lady._ "THEN, WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST PLACE, PRAY?"