_Second._--There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentleman.) * * * * * _Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss. * * * * * _Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year 1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX. Pordunk Valley Rail Road. RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS. 1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track. 2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him. 3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are. 4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road. 5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid. 6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_." 7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests. HOW THEY DO TALK ABOUT Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax FOR THE YEAR 1870. "Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh Billings' allminax for 1870." * * * * * "It kured mi wife ov wanting to die." * * * * * "It iz like peper sass in a hot day." * * * * * "The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov ginger popp." * * * * * "When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a full blown dandylion." * * * * * "It gave me grate presence ov mind." * * * * * "My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure allminaxes." * * * * * "How cooling, and perforating it iz." _THE NATRAL HORNET_